Hey everyone!
I'm kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I'm getting closer to college, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It's really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It's part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can't see anything in front of me. I'm going into junior year of high school and I feel like I'm starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don't see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can't live in the present. It's not how I work. I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be okay. I am going to be sixteen years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourettes. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics. As you already know, I don't live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can't drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right? All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourettes is in the way of everything. I know a lot of people with Tourettes say they can drive, but I can't. I've tried. If I can't drive, I can't conform to a normal life. Maybe I'm not meant to do things the normal way.
My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. I haven't been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person's mind though, doesn't it? What isn't so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn't want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do? I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to tic. I wouldn't get depressed from time to time. I wouldn't be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn't have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything. Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I'm sure my family would be devastated. I'm sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone. Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.
I still don't really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don't like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can't see into it. I don't have a definite future, and it's so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.
Thanks for reading,
Emma <3
I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I have no idea what I'm going to do, either—and my sister has completely changed her mind about what she was going to do in college. A year or two ago, she wanted to major in piano. She felt stressed whenever she had a lesson and no longer enjoyed it, and instead took a huge interest in computer viruses. Now she's interested in computer engineering—something that's COMPLETELY different from what she wanted to do at first.
ReplyDeleteThings change. I hate change, but I like to think that God has everything planned out. I'm sure everything concerning what you're going to do in the future will be fine. As for driving, maybe you can find some way to help you concentrate, like listening to the radio. Music may help. :)
I hope everything works out! <3
~Naomi
Oh my dear, take it from me (I'm a grandma compared to you, haha). Life almost NEVER goes as smoothly as you plan. Never. And as you get older, life gets even more complex and complicated, and there's even more stress of the unknown. I realize that's not a very comforting thought...but it is that way for everybody. I think most people have thought about ending life at some point, because it's overwhelming! But you're right...your family and friends would miss you. If it makes you feel any better:
ReplyDelete-I didn't drive on a regular basis until I was 21.
-After I graduated college, I got a job I HATED, so I quit and enrolled in nursing school. I did that for a while, then dropped out and got a job I LOVED. The Company was bought out 6 months later, I got laid off. Then I got another job I didn't care for! Fast forward a few years...finally in another job I really enjoy!!!
-I'm not married, and I don't have any children. I do, however, have the best nephew in the world!!!!
So my point is, there is no "normal life." We all just have to make our own way. And the better I get to know people, the more I realize that no matter how great the house looks from the outside, the basement usually is a mess ;-)
ReplyDeleteEmma, we could be twins. We are going into the same grade and are pretty much the same age. I, too, have Tourette's. But instead of depression, I have Asperger's. On the Tourette side, I completely understand. At night, my tics come like seizures and don't stop for hours. I'm so sorry you feel so scared and stressed out. I wish I could give you a big hug and some chocolate because, hey, chocolate makes everything better. What I can do is tell you that everything will be okay. You may not be able to see it now and no matter how hard we OCDers try, we can't control everything that will ever happen to us. But believe me when I say it does get better. Everything will work out in the end. Maybe not in the way you planned (I know that is a scary idea), but it will work out one way or another. And don't ever, ever, EVER lose hope.
ReplyDelete~Sarah
P.S. I noticed that you like to dance and act. I do, too!
Maybe you can't drive at the moment, but you are doing more things that an average person can't. Someday i was just searching random topics in youtube (im really curious and i was interested in learn more about tourette) and i found your channel and i was impressed how you deal your situation its really admirable i think there is a lot of people out there wishing they could deal the problems as you do. I dont know you, but you really transmit a great strong personality in your videos and blog.
ReplyDeleteYou do more things that you can imagine, im peruvian and live in Perú (you reach globalization haha) and tell me, average people could have fans all over the world? You are special, in a really good way. I know you are going to have a beautiful life with people you love!
P.s: sorry for my english, i speak spanish lol
Take care!
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ReplyDeleteHey, Girl. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I have Tourette's, and while it doesn't sound as severe as yours, I have an idea of what it feels like to freak out because it all feels like it's going to crash down on you, like your life is going to implode. Most people's TS gets better as they move into young adulthood - 85%, actually. I was in the 15% that got worse instead. I also have OCD tendencies that I was diagnosed with when I was seven. I'm twenty-three, so I'm not that far away from high school. I can honestly tell you that even though it's frightening (especially with anxiety struggles), life is better when it doesn't go exactly the way you planned. God brought my husband into my life long before I knew he would be my husband. I had my life planned out a certain way, and I knew exactly where I wanted it to be. In college, I started have panic attacks a lot more frequently than I used to. Finally, when I realized that I wasn't able to control my life, as much as I wanted to. Funny thing, as soon as I gave it up to God, He brought my darling husband into my life. I was so scared to tell my husband (before we started dating) that I had TS. But when I did, he was actually thankful that I'd told him. It meant a lot to him for me to be so honest. He doesn't love me in spite of my tics....He loves me because of who I am completely. My life isn't at all where I expected it to be when I was your age. I'm now an Air Force wife who has an elementary education degree, and I'm currently working as a paralegal with a child with special needs. I love my life. You're so young, Sweetie. Life is full of surprises. I know that's not what you really want to hear when your anxiety is through the roof, but believe me. If you trust God, your life will be your own wonderful story. You'll have the ability to reach out and touch people that need to hear your story. I firmly believe that God created us with a specific role in this life, shoes that no one else can fill. Keep hanging on, and you'll begin to see that life is amazing, and your differences make you special.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want to chat, my email is brittanyfichterwrites@gmail.com. I also have a website (brittanyfichterwrites.com) where I post about my experiences with TS, OCD, and other neurological disorders I've dealt with in my students. I'd love to get to know you more.
Sincerely,
Brittany
I know this post is a little old, but I hope that you're doing better now Emma. I've seen some of your videos on Youtube. My name is Calvin. Stay strong. Please do not give up. I've been there. I've felt a lot of what you're going through. The fear, uncertainty, guilt, worthlessness, and much more. Our struggles in some areas are similar, and in other ways different. I didn't drive until I was 23 (33) now. It was hard for me and took a lot of effort to focus and get over the fear and anxiety. Even if you cannot over come the fear try to work around it. Maybe public transportation, car pool, or go to school closer to home where you can get a ride from family. You could live in the dorm and not have to drive as well. Adapting is sometimes the best we can do. Everyone does this at some point. Just remember that you're a special person to your family and friends and the world would not be the same without you. We all struggle and the world is a scary place sometimes but stay strong! God bless you Emma. I will pray for you.
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