Hey everyone!
I'm kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I'm getting closer to college, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It's really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It's part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can't see anything in front of me. I'm going into junior year of high school and I feel like I'm starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don't see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can't live in the present. It's not how I work. I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be okay. I am going to be sixteen years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourettes. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics. As you already know, I don't live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can't drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right? All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourettes is in the way of everything. I know a lot of people with Tourettes say they can drive, but I can't. I've tried. If I can't drive, I can't conform to a normal life. Maybe I'm not meant to do things the normal way.
My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. I haven't been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person's mind though, doesn't it? What isn't so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn't want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do? I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to tic. I wouldn't get depressed from time to time. I wouldn't be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn't have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything. Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I'm sure my family would be devastated. I'm sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone. Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.
I still don't really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don't like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can't see into it. I don't have a definite future, and it's so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.
Thanks for reading,
Emma <3
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Tourettes Acting Up
Hey everyone!
My Tourettes is acting up a lot right now. It is actually a bit hard to type. I just made a video on it, though, if you want to check that out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-eSG-fVp4
Anyway, I am in Pennsylvania visiting family and the trip from North Carolina was about ten hours long. From the beginning of the trip to the very end I had a major tic attack. I fell asleep in the car for about one of the ten hours because my mom was rubbing my back. My psychiatrist recently taught me how to meditate. Meditating helps me, but not during full blown tic attacks, because I can't settle down enough to meditate at all. My psychiatrist had taught me to try and view myself from an outside vantage point, then to focus on certain sounds for a while and layer them. This technique helps when my tics are only acting up a little bit.
I am so worn out from tensing up my glutes so much. I have also been tensing my arms up so much that my shoulders crack really loudly. I tense the muscles in my thighs too. It is pretty painful, and not a fun experience at all. I am on a new medicine, though. It is called Flexarol. Flexarol really knocks me out, but it takes a while to kick in. I highly recommend it for my fellow Tourette sufferers.
All in all, it's been a pretty tough week that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Thanks for reading,
Emma<3
My Tourettes is acting up a lot right now. It is actually a bit hard to type. I just made a video on it, though, if you want to check that out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-eSG-fVp4
Anyway, I am in Pennsylvania visiting family and the trip from North Carolina was about ten hours long. From the beginning of the trip to the very end I had a major tic attack. I fell asleep in the car for about one of the ten hours because my mom was rubbing my back. My psychiatrist recently taught me how to meditate. Meditating helps me, but not during full blown tic attacks, because I can't settle down enough to meditate at all. My psychiatrist had taught me to try and view myself from an outside vantage point, then to focus on certain sounds for a while and layer them. This technique helps when my tics are only acting up a little bit.
I am so worn out from tensing up my glutes so much. I have also been tensing my arms up so much that my shoulders crack really loudly. I tense the muscles in my thighs too. It is pretty painful, and not a fun experience at all. I am on a new medicine, though. It is called Flexarol. Flexarol really knocks me out, but it takes a while to kick in. I highly recommend it for my fellow Tourette sufferers.
All in all, it's been a pretty tough week that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Thanks for reading,
Emma<3
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Tourette's
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you don't want.
It's there. But not just there. It's much more than just there. It's on your body. In your body. All over your body. What can you do? Nothing.
Tourette's. The last thing on this Earth that I could see myself being completely grateful for. Sure, it connects me to others who have TS as well, but what other good is it?
Tourette's. Worse than any of my depressive episodes. I can't sleep. I can't sit. I just move. I move, I move, I move.
Tourette's. Pop some pills and pray for the storm to calm down. Hope that you'll be better soon. Aspire to find a cure, but then never go to medical school.
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't want. It's the thing that's the most there. It consumes you. It takes you in. It holds you tight and whispers in your ears, "I'm never letting go".
Tourette's. It's a hell of a ride. Ups and downs, ups and downs. It takes you not only on a physical, but an emotional roller coaster ride. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Tourette's. You ask it to leave, then you plead. Leave, please. It won't. It's an unwelcome guest that stays in your mind and dictates your movements and sounds.
Tourette's. It's like that one person that you can't stand, but have to keep around because they are a family friend or something like that. Except Tourette's wouldn't e a family friend. It would be a nemesis of any family. Consuming sons and daughters and taking them on wild unsupervised trips.
Tourette's. It won't define you. You tic, you think. You do so many things. So much noise. So much movement. But, that's not you. You're not Tourette's. You're you. You're different and better than Tourette's.
Tourette's. A neurobiological disorder. A nuisance. It's there and it won't go away. It sits there at the controls of your brain and tugs. It tugs at the controls and bangs on the buttons that control your central nervous system.
Tourette's. 3 AM. You're not asleep. You took your medicine. Why are you still ticcing?
Tourette's. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Worse than your dog dying or losing your favorite teddy bear. Worse than even losing a loved one.
Tourette's. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Will it stop? Ask it. It won't answer. It just sits at the controls and bangs. Bang, bang, bang. It won't listen to you. It hates you. You hate it. You're your own enemy. Except you aren't Tourette's. It is not you. Remember that.
Tourette's. The distractions won't work. Why aren't the medicines kicking in? What's going on? Why is this rough patch lasting so long?
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you didn't want.
But it's there. It'll always be there.
It's there. But not just there. It's much more than just there. It's on your body. In your body. All over your body. What can you do? Nothing.
Tourette's. The last thing on this Earth that I could see myself being completely grateful for. Sure, it connects me to others who have TS as well, but what other good is it?
Tourette's. Worse than any of my depressive episodes. I can't sleep. I can't sit. I just move. I move, I move, I move.
Tourette's. Pop some pills and pray for the storm to calm down. Hope that you'll be better soon. Aspire to find a cure, but then never go to medical school.
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't want. It's the thing that's the most there. It consumes you. It takes you in. It holds you tight and whispers in your ears, "I'm never letting go".
Tourette's. It's a hell of a ride. Ups and downs, ups and downs. It takes you not only on a physical, but an emotional roller coaster ride. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Tourette's. You ask it to leave, then you plead. Leave, please. It won't. It's an unwelcome guest that stays in your mind and dictates your movements and sounds.
Tourette's. It's like that one person that you can't stand, but have to keep around because they are a family friend or something like that. Except Tourette's wouldn't e a family friend. It would be a nemesis of any family. Consuming sons and daughters and taking them on wild unsupervised trips.
Tourette's. It won't define you. You tic, you think. You do so many things. So much noise. So much movement. But, that's not you. You're not Tourette's. You're you. You're different and better than Tourette's.
Tourette's. A neurobiological disorder. A nuisance. It's there and it won't go away. It sits there at the controls of your brain and tugs. It tugs at the controls and bangs on the buttons that control your central nervous system.
Tourette's. 3 AM. You're not asleep. You took your medicine. Why are you still ticcing?
Tourette's. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Worse than your dog dying or losing your favorite teddy bear. Worse than even losing a loved one.
Tourette's. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Will it stop? Ask it. It won't answer. It just sits at the controls and bangs. Bang, bang, bang. It won't listen to you. It hates you. You hate it. You're your own enemy. Except you aren't Tourette's. It is not you. Remember that.
Tourette's. The distractions won't work. Why aren't the medicines kicking in? What's going on? Why is this rough patch lasting so long?
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you didn't want.
But it's there. It'll always be there.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Update and Ignorance
Hi everyone!
Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I was diagnosed with Depression a few weeks back and I've just been trying to deal with it.
Quite a few people recently bombed one of my latest videos about suicide and depression. I shall discuss all of their antics...
"why do you bash that girl for whining about her life, then whine about your life when you have so much? Has it ever occurred to you how privileged you are?"
This is the first comment to speak of. If you have seen the video, I obviously did not "bash" this young lady. I only stated facts of what happens when she is at my lunch table. Second of all, I was not whining about my life. I only meant to discuss my latest feelings and try to help others. The first sentence does not bother me at all. This person is clearly ignorant and wasted two seconds of my life by having me read it. The second statement states how clearly privileged I am even though this person has never met me in his or her entire life. Yes, I am very privileged. I have a great life even if I am suffering quite a few disorders. I don't discuss quite a few aspects of my life on YouTube or my blog, since they are much too personal and would not in any way help others. I must admit that one of the things I do not discuss could help others by me discussing it, but I am not ready to reveal that part of my life yet. Tourette's is something most people can easily tell I have, but the aspect I'd rather not speak of is not noticeable at all. I will gladly discuss anything about Tourette's, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression, though.
"You recently commited suicide? How the fuck are you posting then? Maybe you attempted it, too noob to actually do it."
This comment was in response to a girl who told me part of her story. Notice how maliciously horrid this "man"'s comment was. "Too noob to actually do it?" Wow... Most of you may think that it wasn't such a bad comment, but most people who have been actually suicidal would take offense to his comment.
"It IS natural selection in work. "Depressed" people are easily influenced, and selfish unappreciative cunts. People that 'Attempt' and live, are attention whores. They would do this until they are dead, and then they die; not make up fake story. People can get along fine with being bullied, and get good job. (sorry for the poor english). One day, my cousin, he burnt my skin with a lighter, I killed his dog for being melodramatic. We're best friends now. Much love to you. xoxo."
Wow... This is just wrong. This person was so rude. Even so, his words shall not affect me, especially since he (or she) seems to be completely stupid. I could write an entire post about how people with depression are not "attention whores".
"Kill that demon.... sorry i was actually trying to give you the benefit of a doubt but no.. that just made everything you said invalid. Some people just need to realise that this place called earth is not an all loving kind place and it doesn't owe you to be. Some people will kill themselves and no matter how "bad" it sounds that IS natural selection in progress.. the strongest survive as it's said. it might not sound all nice and all but wake up sweetie the world is not fair or just. it just is. As been commented before you are just too young and naive to be talking about these subjects... you don't truly understand the non caring ways of the world. and selfharm and suicide no matter how "justified" it is will always be a weak selfish stupid and cowardly thing to do.. and way too many times it's only for attention."
Has this person never heard of a "metaphor"? Self harm and suicide are not selfish, stupid, or cowardly. They are the effect of an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and are real conditions. Yes, self harm is a condition. Suicide is not a "condition", but it comes from Depression, which is a real disorder. I am much to naive and young to be talking about these subjects? How do you know? How do you know I haven't been through twice as much as you have or felt things no one should ever feel? How do you know whether or not I am fully comprehensive of this subject? How do you know I do not harm myself or have thought of suicide? You don't. That's the answer right there.
There were a lot of other comments, most were very sweet, and I thank people for that. Anyway, my Tourette's has been really bad lately. I have this one leg tic where I tense my thigh muscles and it can give me cramps sometimes. I have also been blinking really hard a lot. There are many other tics currently bugging me, but those two have been the absolute worse.
Sincerely,
Emma<3
Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I was diagnosed with Depression a few weeks back and I've just been trying to deal with it.
Quite a few people recently bombed one of my latest videos about suicide and depression. I shall discuss all of their antics...
"why do you bash that girl for whining about her life, then whine about your life when you have so much? Has it ever occurred to you how privileged you are?"
This is the first comment to speak of. If you have seen the video, I obviously did not "bash" this young lady. I only stated facts of what happens when she is at my lunch table. Second of all, I was not whining about my life. I only meant to discuss my latest feelings and try to help others. The first sentence does not bother me at all. This person is clearly ignorant and wasted two seconds of my life by having me read it. The second statement states how clearly privileged I am even though this person has never met me in his or her entire life. Yes, I am very privileged. I have a great life even if I am suffering quite a few disorders. I don't discuss quite a few aspects of my life on YouTube or my blog, since they are much too personal and would not in any way help others. I must admit that one of the things I do not discuss could help others by me discussing it, but I am not ready to reveal that part of my life yet. Tourette's is something most people can easily tell I have, but the aspect I'd rather not speak of is not noticeable at all. I will gladly discuss anything about Tourette's, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression, though.
"You recently commited suicide? How the fuck are you posting then? Maybe you attempted it, too noob to actually do it."
This comment was in response to a girl who told me part of her story. Notice how maliciously horrid this "man"'s comment was. "Too noob to actually do it?" Wow... Most of you may think that it wasn't such a bad comment, but most people who have been actually suicidal would take offense to his comment.
"It IS natural selection in work. "Depressed" people are easily influenced, and selfish unappreciative cunts. People that 'Attempt' and live, are attention whores. They would do this until they are dead, and then they die; not make up fake story. People can get along fine with being bullied, and get good job. (sorry for the poor english). One day, my cousin, he burnt my skin with a lighter, I killed his dog for being melodramatic. We're best friends now. Much love to you. xoxo."
Wow... This is just wrong. This person was so rude. Even so, his words shall not affect me, especially since he (or she) seems to be completely stupid. I could write an entire post about how people with depression are not "attention whores".
"Kill that demon.... sorry i was actually trying to give you the benefit of a doubt but no.. that just made everything you said invalid. Some people just need to realise that this place called earth is not an all loving kind place and it doesn't owe you to be. Some people will kill themselves and no matter how "bad" it sounds that IS natural selection in progress.. the strongest survive as it's said. it might not sound all nice and all but wake up sweetie the world is not fair or just. it just is. As been commented before you are just too young and naive to be talking about these subjects... you don't truly understand the non caring ways of the world. and selfharm and suicide no matter how "justified" it is will always be a weak selfish stupid and cowardly thing to do.. and way too many times it's only for attention."
Has this person never heard of a "metaphor"? Self harm and suicide are not selfish, stupid, or cowardly. They are the effect of an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and are real conditions. Yes, self harm is a condition. Suicide is not a "condition", but it comes from Depression, which is a real disorder. I am much to naive and young to be talking about these subjects? How do you know? How do you know I haven't been through twice as much as you have or felt things no one should ever feel? How do you know whether or not I am fully comprehensive of this subject? How do you know I do not harm myself or have thought of suicide? You don't. That's the answer right there.
There were a lot of other comments, most were very sweet, and I thank people for that. Anyway, my Tourette's has been really bad lately. I have this one leg tic where I tense my thigh muscles and it can give me cramps sometimes. I have also been blinking really hard a lot. There are many other tics currently bugging me, but those two have been the absolute worse.
Sincerely,
Emma<3
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