"Broken"

Hi everyone.

I was going to write a post about how I was "broken". I was going to write about how I was born "broken".

No.

No...

I am not "broken". I'm not broken.

I am me. I am myself. I am I.

I kept contemplating how "broken" I am and how I will probably never be able to sustain a marriage and have kids and a life. I was throwing myself a type of pity party, I think. I felt no pity for myself in this pity party, or so I thought. I believed that I was just realizing true facts that were inevitable. I thought that thinking "Hey, I am broken and I can't do anything about it because that's me and I'm the definition of broken" would put a part of me to peace and help me fully realize the truths in life.

What a pity.

It doesn't make sense for me to believe that I am "broken" in any way. If I have had multiple mental disorders since birth, and I believe that those are what have broken me, then I have been broken since birth. How can I decide that I am broken if I have been this way my whole life? No one can be born broken. A new life does not come into this world broken. That is impossible. A new life comes into this world fully mended. A new life has just been constructed. Something that has just finished being constructed cannot be broken. It is brand new and just the way it is. Therefore, since I have contained these mental disorders and all of the aspects that come with them since my birth, there is no way that they could be the reason for my "brokenness". Even though each aspect of each mental disorder will fluctuate in severity, the aspects are still the same aspects as before. Sure, some of these aspects will add on new parts to themselves, but how does adding something onto another thing break that thing? I am probably not making much sense, so let me give you an example.

Tourette Syndrome.

Aspect: Tics

Part: Types of tics

I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of five, but this does not mean that I did not have it many years before that. Every person who has been diagnosed with a mental disorder was born with that mental disorder. The mental disorder may have been dormant for a certain amount of time before diagnosis, but that does not change the fact that the person was born with it.

One large aspect of Tourette's is the tics. Yes, the severity of each tic may fluctuate, but it is still a tic isn't it? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Of course it is.

People who have Tourette's have multiple types of tics. There are so many types of tics, but these types all have something in common: they are all tics. New types of tics will most likely start occurring and many types of tics will also come to a halt at different points in each person's life. Even though these tics that show up are new, they still apply to the last argument of logic. They are tics. They are all tics. All types of tics are just that. Tics.

You may wonder why I am rambling on and on about this. I am just further proving my argument. 

My mental disorders have not broken me, because they have been the same throughout my entire life in a way. They have been mental disorders. They have no real power to break me because they are a part of me.

Do you know how people say "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger"?

And some people retort "What didn't kill me never made me stronger at all".

My mental disorders have not killed me. Have they made me stronger? Well, yes. I think that you can turn anything negative that you have been given into something that is not exactly positive, but has a positive effect on certain parts of you. Throughout my life, Tourette's has never been the cause of any near-death experience. It has been the catalyst of many other negative situations, though. It has provoked bullying, pushed people away from me, and even put me in the hospital (in a nowhere near fatal state, mind you). See, I had a choice in how I would handle each of these situations. I could just let each situation bring me down more and more until I became miserable and weak... or, I could use them to my advantage. I could take each negative situation and use them to make myself stronger. I could let them feed my drive to excel, push me to success, and soften the blow on future negative situations, since I had already experienced each one to a degree. I decided upon the latter. My years of living have been few in quantity, but extremely plentiful in quality. I have used each one of my negative situations to strengthen myself. I can say that I am strong, and not only fully believe it, but fully know it.

So, no. I am not "broken". I am not broken at all. If anything, I am unbroken. 

I am continuous. 

I am in above average standing. 

I am whole.

I am remastered. 

I am complete.

I am strong.

Thank you for reading,

Emma.

Some Not So Happy Things

Hey Everyone!

Wow, I haven't posted in forever!
I have been accepted into Appalachian State University, and I am going there this coming school year.
I have had quite a bit of stress taking over my body the last month or so about many things, including college. I worry about what it will be like, how my classes will be, and so on. Even so, I am very excited to join the Mountaineers this fall.
I spoke of a boyfriend in my last post and said how I loved him. Well, he's gone now. HA.
After over a year of a beautiful relationship filled with laughter and joy, he told me he lied to me when he said he loved me. He told me he had never loved me. Of course, I was crushed. I broke up with him. I basically spent four days crying and attempting to surround myself with distractions. After those four days, he told me he wanted me back. I, being the stupid romantic girl I am, agreed to dating him again. After a few weeks he broke up with me. He was very greedy and felt he needed to use me for just a few more weeks. To be honest, our relationship was great while it lasted. It was the best I've ever had, but him... Well, he's just a bit of a scumbag. Okay, not just a bit. A lot. He told me he wanted me back and used me just for a little while in order to make sure his feelings for me were fully gone. Even though he had feelings for me, he never loved me. I loved him with my whole heart. I was IN love with him. I believed there was a chance we would get married, since we talked about it sometimes, but this loser told me he was in love with me, and then took it back! Even worse, he was the first one to say it! I was heartbroken, and now I'm just infuriated. He ignores me now, and I have attempted to contact him a couple of times, and each time he seems very bitter towards me. What did I do? Oh, right. NOTHING. All I did was show him a copious amount of love and let him into my life. What did he do? Lie.
One time when I contacted this boy, I was very depressed and it was a few months after our break up. I knew he had told me he would always be there for me (again, total lie!), so I told him I did not know who to turn to, since I really didn't at the time. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him about how I had been really depressed and sometimes suicidal that month. I told him how I felt like no one cared about me and I was useless. I even told him that me contacting him was a cry for help.
He told me that I blame everyone else and don't fix things about myself for myself. He said that I didn't have caring friends because it was my fault and I needed to find a new group. He told me, and this is an exact quote, "You are always feeling shitty because you sit and pout in self dread instead of taking the initiative to make yourself better." At the time, I told him that this was great advice and thanked him, because I wasn't functioning correctly. That was the last time I spoke to that boy. I try really hard not to hate him for how sour he has been towards me. What have I done to him? I have done nothing! I don't understand why people in this world are so cruel for no reason. They lie about loving you for eight months, and then act like you are the bad guy for the rest of their high school career. I mean, what is up with that?
I really don't know why the world is full of people who try to make others miserable just for their own pleasure. It's not fun making someone feel bad! If you like making other people feel bad about themselves or just bad in general, you are a really bad person. I'm not going to lie about this. You. Are. Terrible.
Even so, there are really beautiful things in the world, and a lot of times I fail to see them.
Do you ever just feel like there is nothing left to life for you, and that you should die? Do you ever feel like you'd rather nothing than all of the pain you feel? Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're not good enough to complete it? I sure do. Sometimes, I just want to die. I haven't felt this way in a little while, but I still know the feeling.
I hate feeling depressed. It's so dumb. Yeah, great word choice, huh, Emma? Dumb. Well, that's what it is! It's just dumb. I hate feeling like I do not want to be on this earth anymore. I hate feeling like I'm useless and not good enough for anyone. I hate feeling like no one cares about me. Maybe I depend on others for happiness too much, but most of the time I'm just not satisfied with myself.
Sometimes I pretend to be slightly arrogant to be funny, and people always say, "Wow, I don't have to worry about YOUR self esteem! HA!" The truth is, I have very low self esteem and barely anyone knows it.
I hate hating myself.
I don't want this to happen to me.
I want myself to be so many more things than I am. I am not good enough, and that is how I feel.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be smart.
I want to be fun.
I want to be optimistic.
I want to be hilarious.
I want to be loved.
I don't believe that I am any of these things. It's hard, and I don't want to feel this way. Sometimes I do feel beautiful and smart, but overall, I have this intense feeling that I am nothing good.
I want to learn to love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.

Wow, this was not a happy post. I am sorry if this bummed you out a bit.

Thanks for reading!
Emma<3