"Broken"

Hi everyone.

I was going to write a post about how I was "broken". I was going to write about how I was born "broken".

No.

No...

I am not "broken". I'm not broken.

I am me. I am myself. I am I.

I kept contemplating how "broken" I am and how I will probably never be able to sustain a marriage and have kids and a life. I was throwing myself a type of pity party, I think. I felt no pity for myself in this pity party, or so I thought. I believed that I was just realizing true facts that were inevitable. I thought that thinking "Hey, I am broken and I can't do anything about it because that's me and I'm the definition of broken" would put a part of me to peace and help me fully realize the truths in life.

What a pity.

It doesn't make sense for me to believe that I am "broken" in any way. If I have had multiple mental disorders since birth, and I believe that those are what have broken me, then I have been broken since birth. How can I decide that I am broken if I have been this way my whole life? No one can be born broken. A new life does not come into this world broken. That is impossible. A new life comes into this world fully mended. A new life has just been constructed. Something that has just finished being constructed cannot be broken. It is brand new and just the way it is. Therefore, since I have contained these mental disorders and all of the aspects that come with them since my birth, there is no way that they could be the reason for my "brokenness". Even though each aspect of each mental disorder will fluctuate in severity, the aspects are still the same aspects as before. Sure, some of these aspects will add on new parts to themselves, but how does adding something onto another thing break that thing? I am probably not making much sense, so let me give you an example.

Tourette Syndrome.

Aspect: Tics

Part: Types of tics

I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of five, but this does not mean that I did not have it many years before that. Every person who has been diagnosed with a mental disorder was born with that mental disorder. The mental disorder may have been dormant for a certain amount of time before diagnosis, but that does not change the fact that the person was born with it.

One large aspect of Tourette's is the tics. Yes, the severity of each tic may fluctuate, but it is still a tic isn't it? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Of course it is.

People who have Tourette's have multiple types of tics. There are so many types of tics, but these types all have something in common: they are all tics. New types of tics will most likely start occurring and many types of tics will also come to a halt at different points in each person's life. Even though these tics that show up are new, they still apply to the last argument of logic. They are tics. They are all tics. All types of tics are just that. Tics.

You may wonder why I am rambling on and on about this. I am just further proving my argument. 

My mental disorders have not broken me, because they have been the same throughout my entire life in a way. They have been mental disorders. They have no real power to break me because they are a part of me.

Do you know how people say "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger"?

And some people retort "What didn't kill me never made me stronger at all".

My mental disorders have not killed me. Have they made me stronger? Well, yes. I think that you can turn anything negative that you have been given into something that is not exactly positive, but has a positive effect on certain parts of you. Throughout my life, Tourette's has never been the cause of any near-death experience. It has been the catalyst of many other negative situations, though. It has provoked bullying, pushed people away from me, and even put me in the hospital (in a nowhere near fatal state, mind you). See, I had a choice in how I would handle each of these situations. I could just let each situation bring me down more and more until I became miserable and weak... or, I could use them to my advantage. I could take each negative situation and use them to make myself stronger. I could let them feed my drive to excel, push me to success, and soften the blow on future negative situations, since I had already experienced each one to a degree. I decided upon the latter. My years of living have been few in quantity, but extremely plentiful in quality. I have used each one of my negative situations to strengthen myself. I can say that I am strong, and not only fully believe it, but fully know it.

So, no. I am not "broken". I am not broken at all. If anything, I am unbroken. 

I am continuous. 

I am in above average standing. 

I am whole.

I am remastered. 

I am complete.

I am strong.

Thank you for reading,

Emma.