Hello everyone!
I understand most people do not read blogs, and that is part of the reason I have made a YouTube account, but I'm still going to keep up this blog.
This past week, I went to a camp called Caswell. I learned some amazing stories of strong young people, and I realized that my life is amazing. When I said this to my one friend, she told me, "Well, people still have struggles in their lives that can make it hard. It may sound like someone's life is harder, but everyone has their own struggles." I agree with this, but I'm glad I have a really great family to support me. Sure, I have some crazy family history, but who doesn't? I really appreciate the life I have been given, and I'm so glad that I can use it to tell people about my disorder. The one that has made me sad, mad, and depressed. The one that has made me stay up countless nights. The one that has gotten me made fun of. The one that has made me so uncomfortable in my own body. But most importantly, the one that has made me a fighter.
On the first day of camp, we were given a small notebook with group devotions and places for notes on them (It was a church camp). Everyday, I wrote a small topic to blog about on the back of one of the pages. Monday's topic was my back tic. I have to make it into an arch by bending it back, and after a while, it really hurts. Speaking of pain, today on the bus ride home, one of my fingers sent a shooting pain up and down it. I think this is because of my knuckle cracking and middle finger bending tics. I'm a bit scared I may get Arthritis one day. There is a high chance. Because of my tics, my knuckles are a bit bigger than most people's knuckles. My husband is going to have a hard time finding me a ring. Anyway, back to my back tic. Oh man, I just made a funny. BACK to my BACK tic? Oh, I'm hilarious.
When I arrived at Caswell, I was getting my bunk ready when I realized I had only brought sheets and my pillow pet. I had forgotten a blanket. My friend came over to me in distress when she realized she had forgotten her pillow. We problem solved, and ended up sleeping on the same bunk with my pillow and her blanket. I was glad we did that, since the next morning, all the people sleeping alone were discussing how they were woken up because of the cold air conditioner. I, on the other hand, was sweating I was so warm. It was a close fit on the bed, but it also provided me someone else's body heat. With this said, my back tic was also throwing a fit. I had to bend my back so many times Monday night, and it really hurt. Thankfully, my bunkmate knew about my Tourettes, so she didn't say anything. My back tic stopped overreacting after Tuesday night, since I became extremely deprived of sleep. I had been so tired, that when I hit the bed, I practically fell asleep right then and there. My youth pastor had kept us in church group devotions a bit too late each night, and we would get to our cabins past lights out time. This is the reason I just took a five hour nap upon arriving home.
On Tuesday, I decided to go to the beach with my friends. Caswell is located on the coast of North Carolina, so we could easily take a ten minute walk to the beach. This was not extremely peaceful in the sweltering heat, but the cool water was worth it. I made my way into the ocean, and that is when the strong compulsion waved across me. I couldn't help it. I needed to open my eyes under the water. It stung my eyes like bees. It took me a while to wipe my eyes and blink out the salt. I think this was a result of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I'm not exactly sure. I used to have life-threatening compulsions. As I have said before, I think my disorders hate me! Anyway, I used to have to lick knives and try to breathe underwater. This made dinner and a trip to the pool a lot harder than usual. My psychiatrist told my parents to lock up the sharp objects somewhere, so I wouldn't see them and feel the need to lick them. So, at every dinner for a long time, I did not get my own knife. I felt like my little brother. I loved going to the pool, so I do not remember how I made it through that really hard compulsion. The opening my eyes underwater one has also always been around. I used to not be able to take baths because I would have to open my eyes under the steaming hot water. Thankfully, this compulsion eased up on me and I can take countless bubble baths now whenever I want. Even so, my disorders hate me and want me to feel pain, so in the ocean, the compulsion was unbearable and I had to open my eyes under the water at least once each day I went to the beach.
On Wednesday, my friend and I had a long conversation with one of the chaperones, who was one of the kid's mothers that came on the trip. At the end of the conversation, she decided to pray for us, and that is when it happened. The shoulder touching. Being in Apex High School chorus, I have learned how to suppress my shrugging tic, since every Thursday we give each other massages to release tension in our muscles. I talked about the therapy that has never worked for me before in another post; where you do the opposite of your tic in order to make it go away. I did this during chorus, and also tried hard to do it during the prayer, but as I have said before, it does not work well for me, and the shrugging tic never has gone away. The movement opposite of it where I move my shoulders down has also become a tic too. It's really annoying, but it's not anything I cannot deal with.
I did not write anything down for Thursday and Friday, since my tics decided to give me a nice couple of days, and settled down a bit. I'm really glad I went to Caswell, and I highly recommend that camp. You can always come with Salem Baptist Church. It was a fun and inspiring camp, and I also learned so much about my friends. I loved it, and I can't wait for next year!
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it!
Emma<3
