Wow. I suck.
I think I'm going to attempt to write more in this blog again.
I have been really bad at keeping up with this.
That being said, I have been doing a phenomenal job lately with posting YouTube videos. *pats own back*
Also, I have a website now! Whaaat?
Yeah.
It's www.lifesatwitchemma.com
Aaaand, my YouTube is www.youtube.com/lifesatwitchemma
I'm going to try to post more soon.
THANKS!
Emma <3
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Friday, June 26, 2015
"Broken"
Hi everyone.
I was going to write a post about how I was "broken". I was going to write about how I was born "broken".
No.
No...
I am not "broken". I'm not broken.
I am me. I am myself. I am I.
I kept contemplating how "broken" I am and how I will probably never be able to sustain a marriage and have kids and a life. I was throwing myself a type of pity party, I think. I felt no pity for myself in this pity party, or so I thought. I believed that I was just realizing true facts that were inevitable. I thought that thinking "Hey, I am broken and I can't do anything about it because that's me and I'm the definition of broken" would put a part of me to peace and help me fully realize the truths in life.
What a pity.
It doesn't make sense for me to believe that I am "broken" in any way. If I have had multiple mental disorders since birth, and I believe that those are what have broken me, then I have been broken since birth. How can I decide that I am broken if I have been this way my whole life? No one can be born broken. A new life does not come into this world broken. That is impossible. A new life comes into this world fully mended. A new life has just been constructed. Something that has just finished being constructed cannot be broken. It is brand new and just the way it is. Therefore, since I have contained these mental disorders and all of the aspects that come with them since my birth, there is no way that they could be the reason for my "brokenness". Even though each aspect of each mental disorder will fluctuate in severity, the aspects are still the same aspects as before. Sure, some of these aspects will add on new parts to themselves, but how does adding something onto another thing break that thing? I am probably not making much sense, so let me give you an example.
Tourette Syndrome.
Aspect: Tics
Part: Types of tics
I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of five, but this does not mean that I did not have it many years before that. Every person who has been diagnosed with a mental disorder was born with that mental disorder. The mental disorder may have been dormant for a certain amount of time before diagnosis, but that does not change the fact that the person was born with it.
One large aspect of Tourette's is the tics. Yes, the severity of each tic may fluctuate, but it is still a tic isn't it? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Of course it is.
People who have Tourette's have multiple types of tics. There are so many types of tics, but these types all have something in common: they are all tics. New types of tics will most likely start occurring and many types of tics will also come to a halt at different points in each person's life. Even though these tics that show up are new, they still apply to the last argument of logic. They are tics. They are all tics. All types of tics are just that. Tics.
You may wonder why I am rambling on and on about this. I am just further proving my argument.
My mental disorders have not broken me, because they have been the same throughout my entire life in a way. They have been mental disorders. They have no real power to break me because they are a part of me.
Do you know how people say "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger"?
And some people retort "What didn't kill me never made me stronger at all".
My mental disorders have not killed me. Have they made me stronger? Well, yes. I think that you can turn anything negative that you have been given into something that is not exactly positive, but has a positive effect on certain parts of you. Throughout my life, Tourette's has never been the cause of any near-death experience. It has been the catalyst of many other negative situations, though. It has provoked bullying, pushed people away from me, and even put me in the hospital (in a nowhere near fatal state, mind you). See, I had a choice in how I would handle each of these situations. I could just let each situation bring me down more and more until I became miserable and weak... or, I could use them to my advantage. I could take each negative situation and use them to make myself stronger. I could let them feed my drive to excel, push me to success, and soften the blow on future negative situations, since I had already experienced each one to a degree. I decided upon the latter. My years of living have been few in quantity, but extremely plentiful in quality. I have used each one of my negative situations to strengthen myself. I can say that I am strong, and not only fully believe it, but fully know it.
So, no. I am not "broken". I am not broken at all. If anything, I am unbroken.
I am continuous.
I am in above average standing.
I am whole.
I am remastered.
I am complete.
I am strong.
Thank you for reading,
Emma.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Some Not So Happy Things
Hey Everyone!
Wow, I haven't posted in forever!
I have been accepted into Appalachian State University, and I am going there this coming school year.
I have had quite a bit of stress taking over my body the last month or so about many things, including college. I worry about what it will be like, how my classes will be, and so on. Even so, I am very excited to join the Mountaineers this fall.
I spoke of a boyfriend in my last post and said how I loved him. Well, he's gone now. HA.
After over a year of a beautiful relationship filled with laughter and joy, he told me he lied to me when he said he loved me. He told me he had never loved me. Of course, I was crushed. I broke up with him. I basically spent four days crying and attempting to surround myself with distractions. After those four days, he told me he wanted me back. I, being the stupid romantic girl I am, agreed to dating him again. After a few weeks he broke up with me. He was very greedy and felt he needed to use me for just a few more weeks. To be honest, our relationship was great while it lasted. It was the best I've ever had, but him... Well, he's just a bit of a scumbag. Okay, not just a bit. A lot. He told me he wanted me back and used me just for a little while in order to make sure his feelings for me were fully gone. Even though he had feelings for me, he never loved me. I loved him with my whole heart. I was IN love with him. I believed there was a chance we would get married, since we talked about it sometimes, but this loser told me he was in love with me, and then took it back! Even worse, he was the first one to say it! I was heartbroken, and now I'm just infuriated. He ignores me now, and I have attempted to contact him a couple of times, and each time he seems very bitter towards me. What did I do? Oh, right. NOTHING. All I did was show him a copious amount of love and let him into my life. What did he do? Lie.
One time when I contacted this boy, I was very depressed and it was a few months after our break up. I knew he had told me he would always be there for me (again, total lie!), so I told him I did not know who to turn to, since I really didn't at the time. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him about how I had been really depressed and sometimes suicidal that month. I told him how I felt like no one cared about me and I was useless. I even told him that me contacting him was a cry for help.
He told me that I blame everyone else and don't fix things about myself for myself. He said that I didn't have caring friends because it was my fault and I needed to find a new group. He told me, and this is an exact quote, "You are always feeling shitty because you sit and pout in self dread instead of taking the initiative to make yourself better." At the time, I told him that this was great advice and thanked him, because I wasn't functioning correctly. That was the last time I spoke to that boy. I try really hard not to hate him for how sour he has been towards me. What have I done to him? I have done nothing! I don't understand why people in this world are so cruel for no reason. They lie about loving you for eight months, and then act like you are the bad guy for the rest of their high school career. I mean, what is up with that?
I really don't know why the world is full of people who try to make others miserable just for their own pleasure. It's not fun making someone feel bad! If you like making other people feel bad about themselves or just bad in general, you are a really bad person. I'm not going to lie about this. You. Are. Terrible.
Even so, there are really beautiful things in the world, and a lot of times I fail to see them.
Do you ever just feel like there is nothing left to life for you, and that you should die? Do you ever feel like you'd rather nothing than all of the pain you feel? Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're not good enough to complete it? I sure do. Sometimes, I just want to die. I haven't felt this way in a little while, but I still know the feeling.
I hate feeling depressed. It's so dumb. Yeah, great word choice, huh, Emma? Dumb. Well, that's what it is! It's just dumb. I hate feeling like I do not want to be on this earth anymore. I hate feeling like I'm useless and not good enough for anyone. I hate feeling like no one cares about me. Maybe I depend on others for happiness too much, but most of the time I'm just not satisfied with myself.
Sometimes I pretend to be slightly arrogant to be funny, and people always say, "Wow, I don't have to worry about YOUR self esteem! HA!" The truth is, I have very low self esteem and barely anyone knows it.
I hate hating myself.
I don't want this to happen to me.
I want myself to be so many more things than I am. I am not good enough, and that is how I feel.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be smart.
I want to be fun.
I want to be optimistic.
I want to be hilarious.
I want to be loved.
I don't believe that I am any of these things. It's hard, and I don't want to feel this way. Sometimes I do feel beautiful and smart, but overall, I have this intense feeling that I am nothing good.
I want to learn to love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.
Wow, this was not a happy post. I am sorry if this bummed you out a bit.
Thanks for reading!
Emma<3
Wow, I haven't posted in forever!
I have been accepted into Appalachian State University, and I am going there this coming school year.
I have had quite a bit of stress taking over my body the last month or so about many things, including college. I worry about what it will be like, how my classes will be, and so on. Even so, I am very excited to join the Mountaineers this fall.
I spoke of a boyfriend in my last post and said how I loved him. Well, he's gone now. HA.
After over a year of a beautiful relationship filled with laughter and joy, he told me he lied to me when he said he loved me. He told me he had never loved me. Of course, I was crushed. I broke up with him. I basically spent four days crying and attempting to surround myself with distractions. After those four days, he told me he wanted me back. I, being the stupid romantic girl I am, agreed to dating him again. After a few weeks he broke up with me. He was very greedy and felt he needed to use me for just a few more weeks. To be honest, our relationship was great while it lasted. It was the best I've ever had, but him... Well, he's just a bit of a scumbag. Okay, not just a bit. A lot. He told me he wanted me back and used me just for a little while in order to make sure his feelings for me were fully gone. Even though he had feelings for me, he never loved me. I loved him with my whole heart. I was IN love with him. I believed there was a chance we would get married, since we talked about it sometimes, but this loser told me he was in love with me, and then took it back! Even worse, he was the first one to say it! I was heartbroken, and now I'm just infuriated. He ignores me now, and I have attempted to contact him a couple of times, and each time he seems very bitter towards me. What did I do? Oh, right. NOTHING. All I did was show him a copious amount of love and let him into my life. What did he do? Lie.
One time when I contacted this boy, I was very depressed and it was a few months after our break up. I knew he had told me he would always be there for me (again, total lie!), so I told him I did not know who to turn to, since I really didn't at the time. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him about how I had been really depressed and sometimes suicidal that month. I told him how I felt like no one cared about me and I was useless. I even told him that me contacting him was a cry for help.
He told me that I blame everyone else and don't fix things about myself for myself. He said that I didn't have caring friends because it was my fault and I needed to find a new group. He told me, and this is an exact quote, "You are always feeling shitty because you sit and pout in self dread instead of taking the initiative to make yourself better." At the time, I told him that this was great advice and thanked him, because I wasn't functioning correctly. That was the last time I spoke to that boy. I try really hard not to hate him for how sour he has been towards me. What have I done to him? I have done nothing! I don't understand why people in this world are so cruel for no reason. They lie about loving you for eight months, and then act like you are the bad guy for the rest of their high school career. I mean, what is up with that?
I really don't know why the world is full of people who try to make others miserable just for their own pleasure. It's not fun making someone feel bad! If you like making other people feel bad about themselves or just bad in general, you are a really bad person. I'm not going to lie about this. You. Are. Terrible.
Even so, there are really beautiful things in the world, and a lot of times I fail to see them.
Do you ever just feel like there is nothing left to life for you, and that you should die? Do you ever feel like you'd rather nothing than all of the pain you feel? Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're not good enough to complete it? I sure do. Sometimes, I just want to die. I haven't felt this way in a little while, but I still know the feeling.
I hate feeling depressed. It's so dumb. Yeah, great word choice, huh, Emma? Dumb. Well, that's what it is! It's just dumb. I hate feeling like I do not want to be on this earth anymore. I hate feeling like I'm useless and not good enough for anyone. I hate feeling like no one cares about me. Maybe I depend on others for happiness too much, but most of the time I'm just not satisfied with myself.
Sometimes I pretend to be slightly arrogant to be funny, and people always say, "Wow, I don't have to worry about YOUR self esteem! HA!" The truth is, I have very low self esteem and barely anyone knows it.
I hate hating myself.
I don't want this to happen to me.
I want myself to be so many more things than I am. I am not good enough, and that is how I feel.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be smart.
I want to be fun.
I want to be optimistic.
I want to be hilarious.
I want to be loved.
I don't believe that I am any of these things. It's hard, and I don't want to feel this way. Sometimes I do feel beautiful and smart, but overall, I have this intense feeling that I am nothing good.
I want to learn to love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.
Wow, this was not a happy post. I am sorry if this bummed you out a bit.
Thanks for reading!
Emma<3
Monday, July 14, 2014
Leave of Absence is Over
Hey everyone!
I know I've not written on here in a while. I have had a lot going on. It has almost been an entire year since I've blogged!
I am very sorry for my "leave of absence", but there has been a mixture of laziness and being totally busy in my life that led up to me not writing.
I also did not have much to write about at all. My tics had been totally fine, I had not been depressed in ages, and I was only stressed out a bit.
Some of this remains true.
I have not felt suicidal or depressed in any way in a while. It has been really great and I've been able to be really happy. Even so, my stress levels have sky rocketed the past few months. Sometimes I cannot even recall what it feels like to not be stressed. Anxiety disorder SUCKS.
I get really anxious about lots of things. Sometimes it is just everyday things such as stressing about whether or not I'll get my chores done or if my outfit is nice enough, but most of my stress has derived from school.
First of all, I am going to be a senior in a few months. For many that means AP classes out the wazoo. For me, it only means one AP class. AP English. Even so, with my anxiety disorder it feels like a billion AP classes at once, since I strive for great grades all the time. You may be thinking, "well it's summer, why is she still anxious?". AP summer reading would be the answer to your question. I have to read four very long books over this summer and also participate more than ten times in a discussion forum with highly intelligent remarks. Oh, and all of this is for a pretty big grade. I have read two of the books already, but I'm still super stressed about finishing the other ones. I chose an easy one for my free reading pick. "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green. Next, I had to pick from a few different books and I chose "Room" by Emma Donoghue. "Room" was actually a great book, but it took me more than a few days to read.
Next on the agenda is "Kite Runner" and "Catch-22". I am not excited at all. I love to read, but I have not heard good things about "Catch-22". I have been told it is basically a dark comedy from the late 60's. That does not really interest me... at all. "Kite Runner" is supposed to be a pretty good book, but I am not too interested in it. I guess we will just have to see.
Anyway, anxiety is a real pain in the buttocks. I absolutely hate it. In fact, I am anxious at this very moment. I'm super stressed about getting my reading done. Maybe I should be reading instead of typing away on my blog, but oh well.
Tics. Tics are the bane of my existence. About two nights ago, I had to take a Flexiril to go to sleep, because my tic where I tense my butt muscles was acting up a bunch. I have a new vocal tic where I make a little sound that comes from the bottom of my throat and sounds like I'm kind of swallowing something. It's hard to explain and also very strange. It sounds kind of gross, and I am not a fan of it.
Even though life has been a bit rough, I do have some good news. I do have a boyfriend as of almost eleven months ago. He's pretty cool, and I love him a lot.
Also. new video up! The link is here:
Thanks for reading!
Emma
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The Future
Hey everyone!
I'm kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I'm getting closer to college, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It's really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It's part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can't see anything in front of me. I'm going into junior year of high school and I feel like I'm starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don't see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can't live in the present. It's not how I work. I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be okay. I am going to be sixteen years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourettes. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics. As you already know, I don't live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can't drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right? All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourettes is in the way of everything. I know a lot of people with Tourettes say they can drive, but I can't. I've tried. If I can't drive, I can't conform to a normal life. Maybe I'm not meant to do things the normal way.
My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. I haven't been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person's mind though, doesn't it? What isn't so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn't want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do? I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to tic. I wouldn't get depressed from time to time. I wouldn't be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn't have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything. Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I'm sure my family would be devastated. I'm sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone. Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.
I still don't really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don't like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can't see into it. I don't have a definite future, and it's so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.
Thanks for reading,
Emma <3
I'm kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I'm getting closer to college, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It's really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It's part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can't see anything in front of me. I'm going into junior year of high school and I feel like I'm starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don't see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can't live in the present. It's not how I work. I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be okay. I am going to be sixteen years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourettes. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics. As you already know, I don't live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can't drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right? All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourettes is in the way of everything. I know a lot of people with Tourettes say they can drive, but I can't. I've tried. If I can't drive, I can't conform to a normal life. Maybe I'm not meant to do things the normal way.
My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. I haven't been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person's mind though, doesn't it? What isn't so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn't want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do? I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to tic. I wouldn't get depressed from time to time. I wouldn't be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn't have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything. Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I'm sure my family would be devastated. I'm sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone. Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.
I still don't really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don't like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can't see into it. I don't have a definite future, and it's so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.
Thanks for reading,
Emma <3
Friday, July 5, 2013
Tourettes Acting Up
Hey everyone!
My Tourettes is acting up a lot right now. It is actually a bit hard to type. I just made a video on it, though, if you want to check that out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-eSG-fVp4
Anyway, I am in Pennsylvania visiting family and the trip from North Carolina was about ten hours long. From the beginning of the trip to the very end I had a major tic attack. I fell asleep in the car for about one of the ten hours because my mom was rubbing my back. My psychiatrist recently taught me how to meditate. Meditating helps me, but not during full blown tic attacks, because I can't settle down enough to meditate at all. My psychiatrist had taught me to try and view myself from an outside vantage point, then to focus on certain sounds for a while and layer them. This technique helps when my tics are only acting up a little bit.
I am so worn out from tensing up my glutes so much. I have also been tensing my arms up so much that my shoulders crack really loudly. I tense the muscles in my thighs too. It is pretty painful, and not a fun experience at all. I am on a new medicine, though. It is called Flexarol. Flexarol really knocks me out, but it takes a while to kick in. I highly recommend it for my fellow Tourette sufferers.
All in all, it's been a pretty tough week that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Thanks for reading,
Emma<3
My Tourettes is acting up a lot right now. It is actually a bit hard to type. I just made a video on it, though, if you want to check that out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-eSG-fVp4
Anyway, I am in Pennsylvania visiting family and the trip from North Carolina was about ten hours long. From the beginning of the trip to the very end I had a major tic attack. I fell asleep in the car for about one of the ten hours because my mom was rubbing my back. My psychiatrist recently taught me how to meditate. Meditating helps me, but not during full blown tic attacks, because I can't settle down enough to meditate at all. My psychiatrist had taught me to try and view myself from an outside vantage point, then to focus on certain sounds for a while and layer them. This technique helps when my tics are only acting up a little bit.
I am so worn out from tensing up my glutes so much. I have also been tensing my arms up so much that my shoulders crack really loudly. I tense the muscles in my thighs too. It is pretty painful, and not a fun experience at all. I am on a new medicine, though. It is called Flexarol. Flexarol really knocks me out, but it takes a while to kick in. I highly recommend it for my fellow Tourette sufferers.
All in all, it's been a pretty tough week that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Thanks for reading,
Emma<3
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Tourette's
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you don't want.
It's there. But not just there. It's much more than just there. It's on your body. In your body. All over your body. What can you do? Nothing.
Tourette's. The last thing on this Earth that I could see myself being completely grateful for. Sure, it connects me to others who have TS as well, but what other good is it?
Tourette's. Worse than any of my depressive episodes. I can't sleep. I can't sit. I just move. I move, I move, I move.
Tourette's. Pop some pills and pray for the storm to calm down. Hope that you'll be better soon. Aspire to find a cure, but then never go to medical school.
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't want. It's the thing that's the most there. It consumes you. It takes you in. It holds you tight and whispers in your ears, "I'm never letting go".
Tourette's. It's a hell of a ride. Ups and downs, ups and downs. It takes you not only on a physical, but an emotional roller coaster ride. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Tourette's. You ask it to leave, then you plead. Leave, please. It won't. It's an unwelcome guest that stays in your mind and dictates your movements and sounds.
Tourette's. It's like that one person that you can't stand, but have to keep around because they are a family friend or something like that. Except Tourette's wouldn't e a family friend. It would be a nemesis of any family. Consuming sons and daughters and taking them on wild unsupervised trips.
Tourette's. It won't define you. You tic, you think. You do so many things. So much noise. So much movement. But, that's not you. You're not Tourette's. You're you. You're different and better than Tourette's.
Tourette's. A neurobiological disorder. A nuisance. It's there and it won't go away. It sits there at the controls of your brain and tugs. It tugs at the controls and bangs on the buttons that control your central nervous system.
Tourette's. 3 AM. You're not asleep. You took your medicine. Why are you still ticcing?
Tourette's. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Worse than your dog dying or losing your favorite teddy bear. Worse than even losing a loved one.
Tourette's. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Will it stop? Ask it. It won't answer. It just sits at the controls and bangs. Bang, bang, bang. It won't listen to you. It hates you. You hate it. You're your own enemy. Except you aren't Tourette's. It is not you. Remember that.
Tourette's. The distractions won't work. Why aren't the medicines kicking in? What's going on? Why is this rough patch lasting so long?
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you didn't want.
But it's there. It'll always be there.
It's there. But not just there. It's much more than just there. It's on your body. In your body. All over your body. What can you do? Nothing.
Tourette's. The last thing on this Earth that I could see myself being completely grateful for. Sure, it connects me to others who have TS as well, but what other good is it?
Tourette's. Worse than any of my depressive episodes. I can't sleep. I can't sit. I just move. I move, I move, I move.
Tourette's. Pop some pills and pray for the storm to calm down. Hope that you'll be better soon. Aspire to find a cure, but then never go to medical school.
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't want. It's the thing that's the most there. It consumes you. It takes you in. It holds you tight and whispers in your ears, "I'm never letting go".
Tourette's. It's a hell of a ride. Ups and downs, ups and downs. It takes you not only on a physical, but an emotional roller coaster ride. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Tourette's. You ask it to leave, then you plead. Leave, please. It won't. It's an unwelcome guest that stays in your mind and dictates your movements and sounds.
Tourette's. It's like that one person that you can't stand, but have to keep around because they are a family friend or something like that. Except Tourette's wouldn't e a family friend. It would be a nemesis of any family. Consuming sons and daughters and taking them on wild unsupervised trips.
Tourette's. It won't define you. You tic, you think. You do so many things. So much noise. So much movement. But, that's not you. You're not Tourette's. You're you. You're different and better than Tourette's.
Tourette's. A neurobiological disorder. A nuisance. It's there and it won't go away. It sits there at the controls of your brain and tugs. It tugs at the controls and bangs on the buttons that control your central nervous system.
Tourette's. 3 AM. You're not asleep. You took your medicine. Why are you still ticcing?
Tourette's. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Worse than your dog dying or losing your favorite teddy bear. Worse than even losing a loved one.
Tourette's. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Will it stop? Ask it. It won't answer. It just sits at the controls and bangs. Bang, bang, bang. It won't listen to you. It hates you. You hate it. You're your own enemy. Except you aren't Tourette's. It is not you. Remember that.
Tourette's. The distractions won't work. Why aren't the medicines kicking in? What's going on? Why is this rough patch lasting so long?
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you didn't want.
But it's there. It'll always be there.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Update and Ignorance
Hi everyone!
Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I was diagnosed with Depression a few weeks back and I've just been trying to deal with it.
Quite a few people recently bombed one of my latest videos about suicide and depression. I shall discuss all of their antics...
"why do you bash that girl for whining about her life, then whine about your life when you have so much? Has it ever occurred to you how privileged you are?"
This is the first comment to speak of. If you have seen the video, I obviously did not "bash" this young lady. I only stated facts of what happens when she is at my lunch table. Second of all, I was not whining about my life. I only meant to discuss my latest feelings and try to help others. The first sentence does not bother me at all. This person is clearly ignorant and wasted two seconds of my life by having me read it. The second statement states how clearly privileged I am even though this person has never met me in his or her entire life. Yes, I am very privileged. I have a great life even if I am suffering quite a few disorders. I don't discuss quite a few aspects of my life on YouTube or my blog, since they are much too personal and would not in any way help others. I must admit that one of the things I do not discuss could help others by me discussing it, but I am not ready to reveal that part of my life yet. Tourette's is something most people can easily tell I have, but the aspect I'd rather not speak of is not noticeable at all. I will gladly discuss anything about Tourette's, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression, though.
"You recently commited suicide? How the fuck are you posting then? Maybe you attempted it, too noob to actually do it."
This comment was in response to a girl who told me part of her story. Notice how maliciously horrid this "man"'s comment was. "Too noob to actually do it?" Wow... Most of you may think that it wasn't such a bad comment, but most people who have been actually suicidal would take offense to his comment.
"It IS natural selection in work. "Depressed" people are easily influenced, and selfish unappreciative cunts. People that 'Attempt' and live, are attention whores. They would do this until they are dead, and then they die; not make up fake story. People can get along fine with being bullied, and get good job. (sorry for the poor english). One day, my cousin, he burnt my skin with a lighter, I killed his dog for being melodramatic. We're best friends now. Much love to you. xoxo."
Wow... This is just wrong. This person was so rude. Even so, his words shall not affect me, especially since he (or she) seems to be completely stupid. I could write an entire post about how people with depression are not "attention whores".
"Kill that demon.... sorry i was actually trying to give you the benefit of a doubt but no.. that just made everything you said invalid. Some people just need to realise that this place called earth is not an all loving kind place and it doesn't owe you to be. Some people will kill themselves and no matter how "bad" it sounds that IS natural selection in progress.. the strongest survive as it's said. it might not sound all nice and all but wake up sweetie the world is not fair or just. it just is. As been commented before you are just too young and naive to be talking about these subjects... you don't truly understand the non caring ways of the world. and selfharm and suicide no matter how "justified" it is will always be a weak selfish stupid and cowardly thing to do.. and way too many times it's only for attention."
Has this person never heard of a "metaphor"? Self harm and suicide are not selfish, stupid, or cowardly. They are the effect of an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and are real conditions. Yes, self harm is a condition. Suicide is not a "condition", but it comes from Depression, which is a real disorder. I am much to naive and young to be talking about these subjects? How do you know? How do you know I haven't been through twice as much as you have or felt things no one should ever feel? How do you know whether or not I am fully comprehensive of this subject? How do you know I do not harm myself or have thought of suicide? You don't. That's the answer right there.
There were a lot of other comments, most were very sweet, and I thank people for that. Anyway, my Tourette's has been really bad lately. I have this one leg tic where I tense my thigh muscles and it can give me cramps sometimes. I have also been blinking really hard a lot. There are many other tics currently bugging me, but those two have been the absolute worse.
Sincerely,
Emma<3
Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I was diagnosed with Depression a few weeks back and I've just been trying to deal with it.
Quite a few people recently bombed one of my latest videos about suicide and depression. I shall discuss all of their antics...
"why do you bash that girl for whining about her life, then whine about your life when you have so much? Has it ever occurred to you how privileged you are?"
This is the first comment to speak of. If you have seen the video, I obviously did not "bash" this young lady. I only stated facts of what happens when she is at my lunch table. Second of all, I was not whining about my life. I only meant to discuss my latest feelings and try to help others. The first sentence does not bother me at all. This person is clearly ignorant and wasted two seconds of my life by having me read it. The second statement states how clearly privileged I am even though this person has never met me in his or her entire life. Yes, I am very privileged. I have a great life even if I am suffering quite a few disorders. I don't discuss quite a few aspects of my life on YouTube or my blog, since they are much too personal and would not in any way help others. I must admit that one of the things I do not discuss could help others by me discussing it, but I am not ready to reveal that part of my life yet. Tourette's is something most people can easily tell I have, but the aspect I'd rather not speak of is not noticeable at all. I will gladly discuss anything about Tourette's, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression, though.
"You recently commited suicide? How the fuck are you posting then? Maybe you attempted it, too noob to actually do it."
This comment was in response to a girl who told me part of her story. Notice how maliciously horrid this "man"'s comment was. "Too noob to actually do it?" Wow... Most of you may think that it wasn't such a bad comment, but most people who have been actually suicidal would take offense to his comment.
"It IS natural selection in work. "Depressed" people are easily influenced, and selfish unappreciative cunts. People that 'Attempt' and live, are attention whores. They would do this until they are dead, and then they die; not make up fake story. People can get along fine with being bullied, and get good job. (sorry for the poor english). One day, my cousin, he burnt my skin with a lighter, I killed his dog for being melodramatic. We're best friends now. Much love to you. xoxo."
Wow... This is just wrong. This person was so rude. Even so, his words shall not affect me, especially since he (or she) seems to be completely stupid. I could write an entire post about how people with depression are not "attention whores".
"Kill that demon.... sorry i was actually trying to give you the benefit of a doubt but no.. that just made everything you said invalid. Some people just need to realise that this place called earth is not an all loving kind place and it doesn't owe you to be. Some people will kill themselves and no matter how "bad" it sounds that IS natural selection in progress.. the strongest survive as it's said. it might not sound all nice and all but wake up sweetie the world is not fair or just. it just is. As been commented before you are just too young and naive to be talking about these subjects... you don't truly understand the non caring ways of the world. and selfharm and suicide no matter how "justified" it is will always be a weak selfish stupid and cowardly thing to do.. and way too many times it's only for attention."
Has this person never heard of a "metaphor"? Self harm and suicide are not selfish, stupid, or cowardly. They are the effect of an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and are real conditions. Yes, self harm is a condition. Suicide is not a "condition", but it comes from Depression, which is a real disorder. I am much to naive and young to be talking about these subjects? How do you know? How do you know I haven't been through twice as much as you have or felt things no one should ever feel? How do you know whether or not I am fully comprehensive of this subject? How do you know I do not harm myself or have thought of suicide? You don't. That's the answer right there.
There were a lot of other comments, most were very sweet, and I thank people for that. Anyway, my Tourette's has been really bad lately. I have this one leg tic where I tense my thigh muscles and it can give me cramps sometimes. I have also been blinking really hard a lot. There are many other tics currently bugging me, but those two have been the absolute worse.
Sincerely,
Emma<3
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Life's A Twitch First Story
Hey everyone!
16 year old Jeremy Davis sent in our first and only so far story! Please share more to lifesatwitch.emma@gmail.com!
My story is that I woke up one morning quite literally and started ticcing and shouting obscenities like the " f " and the " N " word and it went on for about a month they started in February of 2012 and I was diagnosed with a tic disorder one month later on march 14 2012 that was 10 months ago. I've been on clonidine and a medicine called Kapvay which is basically the same thing. I did go to a neurologist which didnt help because he didnt tell me anything that I didn't already know. So im still on the same medication and dealing with my some what annoying twitches and shouts.
Thank you, Jeremy! Your story will be on YouTube very soon!
Love
Emma <3
16 year old Jeremy Davis sent in our first and only so far story! Please share more to lifesatwitch.emma@gmail.com!
My story is that I woke up one morning quite literally and started ticcing and shouting obscenities like the " f " and the " N " word and it went on for about a month they started in February of 2012 and I was diagnosed with a tic disorder one month later on march 14 2012 that was 10 months ago. I've been on clonidine and a medicine called Kapvay which is basically the same thing. I did go to a neurologist which didnt help because he didnt tell me anything that I didn't already know. So im still on the same medication and dealing with my some what annoying twitches and shouts.
Thank you, Jeremy! Your story will be on YouTube very soon!
Love
Emma <3
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Death Sentence
Hey everyone!
There has been a big problem I would like to address. I'm sure it hasn't just been happening in my school or even just my state. The problem is this not so new but now very popular saying. Kids say it jokingly all the time nowadays and they don't understand how it can affect people. The saying? "Go kill yourself." Oh, yes. Unbelievable, right? If you answered no, then listen to this. Kids may be saying it in a "joking" tone, but you'd be incredibly surprised by the amount of people who consider it when you tell them to kill themselves. I know people who have attempted suicide, and it's no joke. It's not funny. I cringe everytime I hear this "joke" in the hallways. Also, there's the saying kids will just say like it's no big deal all the time. "Kill myself" or just "KMS".
Dropped my pencil? Kill myself.
Wrote that word down wrong? KMS!
Nothing good in the cafeteria? Ugh, kill my freaking self.
Someone took my seat? LOL, KM freaking S!
Well, I'm not "LOL'ing". Suicide isn't a joke. Maybe you think I'm overreacting, and if you do, come back and read this after you've felt suicidal and depressed, had two or more friends and a family member attempt suicide, then had to live with it feeling like it was your fault. Yeah, read this after that if you think I'm freaking overreacting. Because I'm not overreacting. People from my school may read this and think "What a freak, she's so dramatic!" Except I'm not being dramatic, I'm being mature. Yeah, sue me for being more mature than all of you people telling others to kill themselves. Not even am I just being mature, I'm being freaking humane. I thought it was morally wrong to tell someone to kill themselves, and now it's just being tossed around like a hot potato? I thought it was just something all decent human beings knew not to do.
When I hear someone say something like that to someone else, I normally tell them, "That's not funny, stop." But after a while, they say it so much that you can't tell every single person to stop. They don't listen, anyway. If someone says it to me, I either say, "That's not cool!" or "Okay". What if you said that to someone who was actually suicidal, and after you told them that, they went home and killed themselves? How would you feel? It's not even just about you, it's about them. You basically told them to murder someone. Yeah, maybe that sounds weird to you and you're thinking it couldn't be true. Yes, maybe you're thinking, "They couldn't actually take me seriously". Oh, and some of you say it's okay of course because you say "JK" after you tell them to kill themselves. You know, go commit suicide, just kidding *giggle*! People say it so lightheartedly, when it's one of the meanest things you can tell someone. I don't get why people my age have to be so damn immature and not think before they speak one bit. It makes me so mad that they have the audacity to tell someone to take their own lives like it's a normal thing to say. A funny thing to say. It's not funny. It's inhumane. It's disgusting. It's WRONG.
I may be rambling, but this overwhelmingly disgusts me. The people that say it disgust me. In my entire life, I have never told someone to kill themselves. Not jokingly, not seriously. Never. And I never will.
It gives me haunting chills whenever I hear that phrase, or even when I read it. "Go kill yourself."
Yes, people have said it to me before. Mostly jokingly, but this one time in middle school it really affected me. He was still joking, but it hurt. It still hurts. He told me, "Why don't you do the world a favor and go kill yourself? Just go home and kill yourself. Do it." Those were his EXACT words. His very exact words. I don't remember what I said, but I know I must have been thinking, "You think I've never thought of that before? You think I've never wanted to die?"
Words can hurt. Yes, but I don't let them affect me, you may say. Hey, I don't anymore either. But these words are different. They can penetrate every wall you put up. Oh, you're too confident in yourself and you would never let those words get to you? Alright, well good for you, but not everyone can let those deadly words pass through one ear and out the other.
Kill yourself.
Those two words conjoined are a death sentence.
Thanks for reading.
Love
Emma<3
There has been a big problem I would like to address. I'm sure it hasn't just been happening in my school or even just my state. The problem is this not so new but now very popular saying. Kids say it jokingly all the time nowadays and they don't understand how it can affect people. The saying? "Go kill yourself." Oh, yes. Unbelievable, right? If you answered no, then listen to this. Kids may be saying it in a "joking" tone, but you'd be incredibly surprised by the amount of people who consider it when you tell them to kill themselves. I know people who have attempted suicide, and it's no joke. It's not funny. I cringe everytime I hear this "joke" in the hallways. Also, there's the saying kids will just say like it's no big deal all the time. "Kill myself" or just "KMS".
Dropped my pencil? Kill myself.
Wrote that word down wrong? KMS!
Nothing good in the cafeteria? Ugh, kill my freaking self.
Someone took my seat? LOL, KM freaking S!
Well, I'm not "LOL'ing". Suicide isn't a joke. Maybe you think I'm overreacting, and if you do, come back and read this after you've felt suicidal and depressed, had two or more friends and a family member attempt suicide, then had to live with it feeling like it was your fault. Yeah, read this after that if you think I'm freaking overreacting. Because I'm not overreacting. People from my school may read this and think "What a freak, she's so dramatic!" Except I'm not being dramatic, I'm being mature. Yeah, sue me for being more mature than all of you people telling others to kill themselves. Not even am I just being mature, I'm being freaking humane. I thought it was morally wrong to tell someone to kill themselves, and now it's just being tossed around like a hot potato? I thought it was just something all decent human beings knew not to do.
When I hear someone say something like that to someone else, I normally tell them, "That's not funny, stop." But after a while, they say it so much that you can't tell every single person to stop. They don't listen, anyway. If someone says it to me, I either say, "That's not cool!" or "Okay". What if you said that to someone who was actually suicidal, and after you told them that, they went home and killed themselves? How would you feel? It's not even just about you, it's about them. You basically told them to murder someone. Yeah, maybe that sounds weird to you and you're thinking it couldn't be true. Yes, maybe you're thinking, "They couldn't actually take me seriously". Oh, and some of you say it's okay of course because you say "JK" after you tell them to kill themselves. You know, go commit suicide, just kidding *giggle*! People say it so lightheartedly, when it's one of the meanest things you can tell someone. I don't get why people my age have to be so damn immature and not think before they speak one bit. It makes me so mad that they have the audacity to tell someone to take their own lives like it's a normal thing to say. A funny thing to say. It's not funny. It's inhumane. It's disgusting. It's WRONG.
I may be rambling, but this overwhelmingly disgusts me. The people that say it disgust me. In my entire life, I have never told someone to kill themselves. Not jokingly, not seriously. Never. And I never will.
It gives me haunting chills whenever I hear that phrase, or even when I read it. "Go kill yourself."
Yes, people have said it to me before. Mostly jokingly, but this one time in middle school it really affected me. He was still joking, but it hurt. It still hurts. He told me, "Why don't you do the world a favor and go kill yourself? Just go home and kill yourself. Do it." Those were his EXACT words. His very exact words. I don't remember what I said, but I know I must have been thinking, "You think I've never thought of that before? You think I've never wanted to die?"
Words can hurt. Yes, but I don't let them affect me, you may say. Hey, I don't anymore either. But these words are different. They can penetrate every wall you put up. Oh, you're too confident in yourself and you would never let those words get to you? Alright, well good for you, but not everyone can let those deadly words pass through one ear and out the other.
Kill yourself.
Those two words conjoined are a death sentence.
Thanks for reading.
Love
Emma<3
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Life's A Twitch Share Your Story Project
Hi everyone!
I am so sorry that I have not been writing. I will soon be making a video for my YouTube channel, so check that out within the hour.
Anyway...
Have you ever been made fun of for something you cannot control? Have you ever been bullied beyond repair? Have you ever kept a secret down deep inside because you feel as though no one will ever care? Guess what? I care. I care so much and I love you all so much. I know what it's like to be bullied and made fun of for things out of my control. So here is an idea. "Life's A Twitch's Share Your Story Project". Please send me your story, but only if you are content with it being on the internet. You can be completely ANONYMOUS if you wish, or you can let me mention your name. Just email to lifesatwitch.emma@gmail.com your story. It can be as long or as short as you want. No maximum, no minimum. Just get everything off your chest. It helps you so much, and it helps others as well. Just for people to know that others out there are going through the same thing as them is really comforting. Plus, you can be kind of famous. (;
It doesn't have to be a Tourette's life story, or even a full life story. It can just be a short anecdote, or whatever you feel comfortable with. This is completely for your benefit, and you should be able to feel comfortable with whatever you say being on the internet. I will post your stories to my blog, and read them on my YouTube channel, lifesatwitchemma.
Go ahead. Get it off your chest.
You are loved no matter what.
Love
Emma <3
I am so sorry that I have not been writing. I will soon be making a video for my YouTube channel, so check that out within the hour.
Anyway...
Have you ever been made fun of for something you cannot control? Have you ever been bullied beyond repair? Have you ever kept a secret down deep inside because you feel as though no one will ever care? Guess what? I care. I care so much and I love you all so much. I know what it's like to be bullied and made fun of for things out of my control. So here is an idea. "Life's A Twitch's Share Your Story Project". Please send me your story, but only if you are content with it being on the internet. You can be completely ANONYMOUS if you wish, or you can let me mention your name. Just email to lifesatwitch.emma@gmail.com your story. It can be as long or as short as you want. No maximum, no minimum. Just get everything off your chest. It helps you so much, and it helps others as well. Just for people to know that others out there are going through the same thing as them is really comforting. Plus, you can be kind of famous. (;
It doesn't have to be a Tourette's life story, or even a full life story. It can just be a short anecdote, or whatever you feel comfortable with. This is completely for your benefit, and you should be able to feel comfortable with whatever you say being on the internet. I will post your stories to my blog, and read them on my YouTube channel, lifesatwitchemma.
Go ahead. Get it off your chest.
You are loved no matter what.
Love
Emma <3
Monday, October 1, 2012
Staying Strong
Hi.
People tell me all the time, "Emma, you're so strong as you go through this."
Sometimes I agree with them. Yes, life is hard. But maybe they shouldn't just tell me this. They should tell everyone. Everyone struggles with something, whether it is Tourette's or not. I recently had to stay strong and help a friend out. I cannot go into detail, but it was really hard. It's so hard to stay strong and help someone when they don't even want the help. Even so, you know you have to help them. If you do not, and they succeed with whatever horrific notion, then you will feel guilty. It's not all about you though. It's about the other person. You need to stay strong for THEM. Not for you. Not so that you don't feel guilty for not doing enough if the notion does in fact happen. You do it because you love the other person. You do it for THEM. Stay strong for THEM. Fight for THEM. It's not about you. Life is not all about you. Yes, you have struggles too, but when something horrible is happening to someone you love, you take action. Yes, you have your own troubles, but if you love them, you set your troubles aside for a while and help. You may think that your struggle is worse and you should work yours out before helping them, but who are you to judge whose problem is worse? Have you felt EXACTLY to the point what the other person has? Have you literally crept into their body and consumed their feelings? No. That's impossible, so you don't know how hard their struggle is. Yes, yours may be terrible, but you cannot compare and contrast two struggles.
Since I am a die-hard fan of the show Friends, which sadly ended after ten beautiful seasons, I currently watch Matthew Perry's new show, Go On. In Go On, Matthew plays Ryan King, a radio show host whose wife recently died. He at first reluctantly attends a support group for loss, but ends up enjoying it. In the first episode, he took over the class and made a huge competition about who had the most screwed up life. I didn't think this was fair, even though the people in the group seemed to enjoy it. If you tell someone, "I'm having a harder time than you," I will personally punch you in the face. You don't know all that they've been through, and even if you do, you still have not been in their shoes while they experienced it. So, watch your mouth. I know I say this a lot, but I really hate when people say, "You wouldn't understand." It makes me really mad. This may sound contradictory to my argument, but it is not. Even though the person may not understand EXACTLY what is going on with you, EVERYONE has a struggle. I promise you there is not a single perfect person currently on the face of this earth. I promise. You know that perfect, popular girl? Yeah, she's got something going on with her as well. By everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Don't undermine other human struggles. Maybe you have Diabetes and someone else has been having friend drama. So what? The other person is still going through a hard time. You know what they're going through. Not EXACTLY, but you know a struggle. Stay strong for your loved ones, because you never know when you may lose them. Never let your tight grasp on your relationship loosen, because you have to be strong. Fight for them. Fight with them.
Love,
Emma <3
People tell me all the time, "Emma, you're so strong as you go through this."
Sometimes I agree with them. Yes, life is hard. But maybe they shouldn't just tell me this. They should tell everyone. Everyone struggles with something, whether it is Tourette's or not. I recently had to stay strong and help a friend out. I cannot go into detail, but it was really hard. It's so hard to stay strong and help someone when they don't even want the help. Even so, you know you have to help them. If you do not, and they succeed with whatever horrific notion, then you will feel guilty. It's not all about you though. It's about the other person. You need to stay strong for THEM. Not for you. Not so that you don't feel guilty for not doing enough if the notion does in fact happen. You do it because you love the other person. You do it for THEM. Stay strong for THEM. Fight for THEM. It's not about you. Life is not all about you. Yes, you have struggles too, but when something horrible is happening to someone you love, you take action. Yes, you have your own troubles, but if you love them, you set your troubles aside for a while and help. You may think that your struggle is worse and you should work yours out before helping them, but who are you to judge whose problem is worse? Have you felt EXACTLY to the point what the other person has? Have you literally crept into their body and consumed their feelings? No. That's impossible, so you don't know how hard their struggle is. Yes, yours may be terrible, but you cannot compare and contrast two struggles.
Since I am a die-hard fan of the show Friends, which sadly ended after ten beautiful seasons, I currently watch Matthew Perry's new show, Go On. In Go On, Matthew plays Ryan King, a radio show host whose wife recently died. He at first reluctantly attends a support group for loss, but ends up enjoying it. In the first episode, he took over the class and made a huge competition about who had the most screwed up life. I didn't think this was fair, even though the people in the group seemed to enjoy it. If you tell someone, "I'm having a harder time than you," I will personally punch you in the face. You don't know all that they've been through, and even if you do, you still have not been in their shoes while they experienced it. So, watch your mouth. I know I say this a lot, but I really hate when people say, "You wouldn't understand." It makes me really mad. This may sound contradictory to my argument, but it is not. Even though the person may not understand EXACTLY what is going on with you, EVERYONE has a struggle. I promise you there is not a single perfect person currently on the face of this earth. I promise. You know that perfect, popular girl? Yeah, she's got something going on with her as well. By everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Don't undermine other human struggles. Maybe you have Diabetes and someone else has been having friend drama. So what? The other person is still going through a hard time. You know what they're going through. Not EXACTLY, but you know a struggle. Stay strong for your loved ones, because you never know when you may lose them. Never let your tight grasp on your relationship loosen, because you have to be strong. Fight for them. Fight with them.
Love,
Emma <3
Thursday, August 23, 2012
NJCTS Walk
Hi everyone!
As some of you may know, I do not only write for Life's A Twitch, but also NJCTS.
They are having an upcoming walk for Tourette Syndrome. It is in New Jersey, and I realize most of my readers come from North Carolina, but you can also donate money here:
http://www.active.com/donate/
It is for a great cause, so please donate! Whether it is one dollar or one hundred, it can help make a change.
As some of you may know, I do not only write for Life's A Twitch, but also NJCTS.
They are having an upcoming walk for Tourette Syndrome. It is in New Jersey, and I realize most of my readers come from North Carolina, but you can also donate money here:
http://www.active.com/donate/
It is for a great cause, so please donate! Whether it is one dollar or one hundred, it can help make a change.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Fighter
Hey everyone!
Fighter.
What does this word mean? What does it really mean? There is more than one definition. Fighter... as in someone who partakes in a fight. Fighter... as in someone who fights every second of everyday in more than one way. I would like to believe I'm the second definition. Anyone with Tourette's is. Maybe not every second of the day, but a lot of things are really hard to do. Does this mean we can't do them? No. It means we fight to do them. We fight a part of ourselves. A part that is deeply engraved in our minds. A part we cannot control. Day by day, we fight this demon in our brains. We search for ways to make it stop controlling us. There is no way out, so we continue to fight. Fight for what we want to do. Those of us who have mental disorders or even those of us who have suffered terrible things in our lives or feel uncomfortable in our own homes are the best of the fighters. The second definition has the best fighters. Yes, it's hard, but we must be resilient, for this is our lives.
The hellish part of us can be heavenly at points. It makes us stronger. It makes us work harder. Most importantly, it makes us who we are. And no matter what you think about yourself, I'm telling you right now: who you are is great. You have been made greater by the thing you wish away the most. You have struggled with drastic situations and come out victorious. You are who you are today because of Tourette Syndrome. Because of Depression. Because of your home life. Because of whatever is troubling you. You think you haven't won? Put your hand over your heart. Do you feel that? A pulse? This means you have won. You are still alive and breathing. My mother always told me that God never gives you anything you cannot handle. You can do this. You're a fighter. You've made it through this far, you can make it through the rest of your life. Everyone's lives have purpose and meaning. Everything happens for a reason. I promise. What you may believe is your worst curse may be your best gift. Every situation, every memory, and every fight has made you who you are. It has all shaped you into the beautiful being you are that is walking this earth at this very moment. I promise your life has meaning and anywhere you look you can find fulfillment, as long as you seek it.
Even though what you have has made you who you are, it has only made you who you are because you have fought it. You have fought it everyday so that you can keep living. So that you can stay positive even though you feel sometimes or even most of the time that nothing goes right. There is always a reason to be alive. Always. For those of us with Tourette Syndrome, there is a part of our brain that we cannot seem to take control of. We keep our friends close, and our enemies closer. So close that they are living in our brains. But we must thank these enemies, for they have made us strong and beautiful beings. We may wish them away, but who would we be without them? Would we take more things for granted? If you ever feel like you must die to escape, and that the fight has been too hard, and you have been beaten to a pulp too many times, coming into the victory circle wounded and tired, look around you. Colors. Smiles. Laughs. Joy. Hugs. Kisses. Butterflies. Kindness. Beauty. Life. All of God's creations. All of the things you would miss out on if you took your own life. You may think that taking your life is the only way out, but you are a fighter. Remember that you are not the only one in the battle. And that you will always win the war. As long as you are alive, you are winning. Whoever is reading this right now; you are a winner. Everyone has their own battles, whether big or small. You are not alone. You are not the only one fighting. Keep living, because tomorrow is a new day. Someone very wise once said, "Tomorrow will be better, and if it is not, then it is not yet tomorrow."
There is always someone in the world who is meant to love you. There are multiple people who love you. Taking your life can be thought of as an act of selfishness. Do not take yourself from your loved ones. They love you. Love is louder than any word anyone has ever called you, and it is greater than any blow anyone has taken to you. Love takes up more of your brain than any disorder, and love can heal better than any doctor. Fight. Fight so that you can stay in love's warm embrace. You may feel at times that no one loves you, but if you fight those feelings away, which may be the one of the hardest challenges you will have to face, you will see that you are loved. By many people. Even if you do not know it. You may think that if you died no one would care. But they would. You may not even know the person that loves you, but their heart may be filled with you inside. If you cannot fight for yourself, then fight for this person. Fight because God wants you to. Fight because Jesus fought for you. I do not care whether you believe in God or not, because he is up there whether you like it or not, and he loves you so much. He loves you with a love like no one else's. You are his child, and he loves you. Forever.
If you still believe that no one loves you, then I'm telling you right now that I do. I love you. I do not care who you are or what you have done. I love you.
So many things in life could be going wrong, but you, my friend, are a fighter. Your life is valuable. Honestly, the second definition of a fighter is always much stronger than the other. Both definitions could be fighting for their lives, but in many aspects, it is much harder for the second definition people, which makes them stronger. Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I am a fighter. I fight everyday. I fight my disorders, but even though they cannot be completely defeated, I fight for an extraordinary life. Not a normal one. Who would ever want a normal life? Not me.
I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and thank you so much for reading.
Love, Emma<3
P.S. Dedicated to one of my great friends, Haley.<3
Fighter.
What does this word mean? What does it really mean? There is more than one definition. Fighter... as in someone who partakes in a fight. Fighter... as in someone who fights every second of everyday in more than one way. I would like to believe I'm the second definition. Anyone with Tourette's is. Maybe not every second of the day, but a lot of things are really hard to do. Does this mean we can't do them? No. It means we fight to do them. We fight a part of ourselves. A part that is deeply engraved in our minds. A part we cannot control. Day by day, we fight this demon in our brains. We search for ways to make it stop controlling us. There is no way out, so we continue to fight. Fight for what we want to do. Those of us who have mental disorders or even those of us who have suffered terrible things in our lives or feel uncomfortable in our own homes are the best of the fighters. The second definition has the best fighters. Yes, it's hard, but we must be resilient, for this is our lives.
The hellish part of us can be heavenly at points. It makes us stronger. It makes us work harder. Most importantly, it makes us who we are. And no matter what you think about yourself, I'm telling you right now: who you are is great. You have been made greater by the thing you wish away the most. You have struggled with drastic situations and come out victorious. You are who you are today because of Tourette Syndrome. Because of Depression. Because of your home life. Because of whatever is troubling you. You think you haven't won? Put your hand over your heart. Do you feel that? A pulse? This means you have won. You are still alive and breathing. My mother always told me that God never gives you anything you cannot handle. You can do this. You're a fighter. You've made it through this far, you can make it through the rest of your life. Everyone's lives have purpose and meaning. Everything happens for a reason. I promise. What you may believe is your worst curse may be your best gift. Every situation, every memory, and every fight has made you who you are. It has all shaped you into the beautiful being you are that is walking this earth at this very moment. I promise your life has meaning and anywhere you look you can find fulfillment, as long as you seek it.
Even though what you have has made you who you are, it has only made you who you are because you have fought it. You have fought it everyday so that you can keep living. So that you can stay positive even though you feel sometimes or even most of the time that nothing goes right. There is always a reason to be alive. Always. For those of us with Tourette Syndrome, there is a part of our brain that we cannot seem to take control of. We keep our friends close, and our enemies closer. So close that they are living in our brains. But we must thank these enemies, for they have made us strong and beautiful beings. We may wish them away, but who would we be without them? Would we take more things for granted? If you ever feel like you must die to escape, and that the fight has been too hard, and you have been beaten to a pulp too many times, coming into the victory circle wounded and tired, look around you. Colors. Smiles. Laughs. Joy. Hugs. Kisses. Butterflies. Kindness. Beauty. Life. All of God's creations. All of the things you would miss out on if you took your own life. You may think that taking your life is the only way out, but you are a fighter. Remember that you are not the only one in the battle. And that you will always win the war. As long as you are alive, you are winning. Whoever is reading this right now; you are a winner. Everyone has their own battles, whether big or small. You are not alone. You are not the only one fighting. Keep living, because tomorrow is a new day. Someone very wise once said, "Tomorrow will be better, and if it is not, then it is not yet tomorrow."
There is always someone in the world who is meant to love you. There are multiple people who love you. Taking your life can be thought of as an act of selfishness. Do not take yourself from your loved ones. They love you. Love is louder than any word anyone has ever called you, and it is greater than any blow anyone has taken to you. Love takes up more of your brain than any disorder, and love can heal better than any doctor. Fight. Fight so that you can stay in love's warm embrace. You may feel at times that no one loves you, but if you fight those feelings away, which may be the one of the hardest challenges you will have to face, you will see that you are loved. By many people. Even if you do not know it. You may think that if you died no one would care. But they would. You may not even know the person that loves you, but their heart may be filled with you inside. If you cannot fight for yourself, then fight for this person. Fight because God wants you to. Fight because Jesus fought for you. I do not care whether you believe in God or not, because he is up there whether you like it or not, and he loves you so much. He loves you with a love like no one else's. You are his child, and he loves you. Forever.
If you still believe that no one loves you, then I'm telling you right now that I do. I love you. I do not care who you are or what you have done. I love you.
So many things in life could be going wrong, but you, my friend, are a fighter. Your life is valuable. Honestly, the second definition of a fighter is always much stronger than the other. Both definitions could be fighting for their lives, but in many aspects, it is much harder for the second definition people, which makes them stronger. Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I am a fighter. I fight everyday. I fight my disorders, but even though they cannot be completely defeated, I fight for an extraordinary life. Not a normal one. Who would ever want a normal life? Not me.
I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and thank you so much for reading.
Love, Emma<3
P.S. Dedicated to one of my great friends, Haley.<3
Thursday, August 9, 2012
True Life
Hi Everyone!
Turns out summer has negatively affected how much I write. I have been trying to clear out room on my schedule to write.
I recently watched a show called True Life: Embarassing Medical Conditions. Tourette Syndrome was one of the two conditions featured on the show. The girl, Allyssa, was quite an inspiration. She has tics that are more life threatening than mine, including holding her breath, fainting, and choking herself. She takes life a day at a time, and she is quite an inspiration to me. She seemed completely fine with herself and her disorder. She was happy to have her friends laugh at her. I'm not sure why she enjoyed this, but she liked to make a joke of it. Sometimes, I enjoy a few lighthearted jokes with my very close friends, but not all the time. This girl can drive even with her fainting tic! I thought this was amazing.
I always think that I will surely get in a car crash if I get behind a steering wheel. With my rapid and intense blinking tic, I don't think I will ever be able to safely drive. I don't want to risk my life and the lives of the people on the road and in my vehicle. So, for now I stick to not driving. I could have taken Driver's Ed in March, but I decided against it.
Allyssa made me think that maybe I can drive, since her tics are more severe than mine and she drives quite easily. She says she just concentrates really hard on driving. I feel like I would have to have music playing in order to occupy my Tourette's part of the brain. Tourette's is the lack of production of a sufficient amount of dopamine and music increases dopamine, so I guess that is one of the reasons music helps. I always have to listen to music in order to do my homework each night.
If Allyssa ever happens to read this (small chance), I would like to thank her bunches for helping me believe in myself. If you have Tourettes, join in the community, look up our videos, and read our blogs. It's good to know you're not alone.
Lots of love!
Emma<3
Turns out summer has negatively affected how much I write. I have been trying to clear out room on my schedule to write.
I recently watched a show called True Life: Embarassing Medical Conditions. Tourette Syndrome was one of the two conditions featured on the show. The girl, Allyssa, was quite an inspiration. She has tics that are more life threatening than mine, including holding her breath, fainting, and choking herself. She takes life a day at a time, and she is quite an inspiration to me. She seemed completely fine with herself and her disorder. She was happy to have her friends laugh at her. I'm not sure why she enjoyed this, but she liked to make a joke of it. Sometimes, I enjoy a few lighthearted jokes with my very close friends, but not all the time. This girl can drive even with her fainting tic! I thought this was amazing.
I always think that I will surely get in a car crash if I get behind a steering wheel. With my rapid and intense blinking tic, I don't think I will ever be able to safely drive. I don't want to risk my life and the lives of the people on the road and in my vehicle. So, for now I stick to not driving. I could have taken Driver's Ed in March, but I decided against it.
Allyssa made me think that maybe I can drive, since her tics are more severe than mine and she drives quite easily. She says she just concentrates really hard on driving. I feel like I would have to have music playing in order to occupy my Tourette's part of the brain. Tourette's is the lack of production of a sufficient amount of dopamine and music increases dopamine, so I guess that is one of the reasons music helps. I always have to listen to music in order to do my homework each night.
If Allyssa ever happens to read this (small chance), I would like to thank her bunches for helping me believe in myself. If you have Tourettes, join in the community, look up our videos, and read our blogs. It's good to know you're not alone.
Lots of love!
Emma<3
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Caswell 2012
Hello everyone!
I understand most people do not read blogs, and that is part of the reason I have made a YouTube account, but I'm still going to keep up this blog.
This past week, I went to a camp called Caswell. I learned some amazing stories of strong young people, and I realized that my life is amazing. When I said this to my one friend, she told me, "Well, people still have struggles in their lives that can make it hard. It may sound like someone's life is harder, but everyone has their own struggles." I agree with this, but I'm glad I have a really great family to support me. Sure, I have some crazy family history, but who doesn't? I really appreciate the life I have been given, and I'm so glad that I can use it to tell people about my disorder. The one that has made me sad, mad, and depressed. The one that has made me stay up countless nights. The one that has gotten me made fun of. The one that has made me so uncomfortable in my own body. But most importantly, the one that has made me a fighter.
On the first day of camp, we were given a small notebook with group devotions and places for notes on them (It was a church camp). Everyday, I wrote a small topic to blog about on the back of one of the pages. Monday's topic was my back tic. I have to make it into an arch by bending it back, and after a while, it really hurts. Speaking of pain, today on the bus ride home, one of my fingers sent a shooting pain up and down it. I think this is because of my knuckle cracking and middle finger bending tics. I'm a bit scared I may get Arthritis one day. There is a high chance. Because of my tics, my knuckles are a bit bigger than most people's knuckles. My husband is going to have a hard time finding me a ring. Anyway, back to my back tic. Oh man, I just made a funny. BACK to my BACK tic? Oh, I'm hilarious.
When I arrived at Caswell, I was getting my bunk ready when I realized I had only brought sheets and my pillow pet. I had forgotten a blanket. My friend came over to me in distress when she realized she had forgotten her pillow. We problem solved, and ended up sleeping on the same bunk with my pillow and her blanket. I was glad we did that, since the next morning, all the people sleeping alone were discussing how they were woken up because of the cold air conditioner. I, on the other hand, was sweating I was so warm. It was a close fit on the bed, but it also provided me someone else's body heat. With this said, my back tic was also throwing a fit. I had to bend my back so many times Monday night, and it really hurt. Thankfully, my bunkmate knew about my Tourettes, so she didn't say anything. My back tic stopped overreacting after Tuesday night, since I became extremely deprived of sleep. I had been so tired, that when I hit the bed, I practically fell asleep right then and there. My youth pastor had kept us in church group devotions a bit too late each night, and we would get to our cabins past lights out time. This is the reason I just took a five hour nap upon arriving home.
On Tuesday, I decided to go to the beach with my friends. Caswell is located on the coast of North Carolina, so we could easily take a ten minute walk to the beach. This was not extremely peaceful in the sweltering heat, but the cool water was worth it. I made my way into the ocean, and that is when the strong compulsion waved across me. I couldn't help it. I needed to open my eyes under the water. It stung my eyes like bees. It took me a while to wipe my eyes and blink out the salt. I think this was a result of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I'm not exactly sure. I used to have life-threatening compulsions. As I have said before, I think my disorders hate me! Anyway, I used to have to lick knives and try to breathe underwater. This made dinner and a trip to the pool a lot harder than usual. My psychiatrist told my parents to lock up the sharp objects somewhere, so I wouldn't see them and feel the need to lick them. So, at every dinner for a long time, I did not get my own knife. I felt like my little brother. I loved going to the pool, so I do not remember how I made it through that really hard compulsion. The opening my eyes underwater one has also always been around. I used to not be able to take baths because I would have to open my eyes under the steaming hot water. Thankfully, this compulsion eased up on me and I can take countless bubble baths now whenever I want. Even so, my disorders hate me and want me to feel pain, so in the ocean, the compulsion was unbearable and I had to open my eyes under the water at least once each day I went to the beach.
On Wednesday, my friend and I had a long conversation with one of the chaperones, who was one of the kid's mothers that came on the trip. At the end of the conversation, she decided to pray for us, and that is when it happened. The shoulder touching. Being in Apex High School chorus, I have learned how to suppress my shrugging tic, since every Thursday we give each other massages to release tension in our muscles. I talked about the therapy that has never worked for me before in another post; where you do the opposite of your tic in order to make it go away. I did this during chorus, and also tried hard to do it during the prayer, but as I have said before, it does not work well for me, and the shrugging tic never has gone away. The movement opposite of it where I move my shoulders down has also become a tic too. It's really annoying, but it's not anything I cannot deal with.
I did not write anything down for Thursday and Friday, since my tics decided to give me a nice couple of days, and settled down a bit. I'm really glad I went to Caswell, and I highly recommend that camp. You can always come with Salem Baptist Church. It was a fun and inspiring camp, and I also learned so much about my friends. I loved it, and I can't wait for next year!
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it!
Emma<3
I understand most people do not read blogs, and that is part of the reason I have made a YouTube account, but I'm still going to keep up this blog.
This past week, I went to a camp called Caswell. I learned some amazing stories of strong young people, and I realized that my life is amazing. When I said this to my one friend, she told me, "Well, people still have struggles in their lives that can make it hard. It may sound like someone's life is harder, but everyone has their own struggles." I agree with this, but I'm glad I have a really great family to support me. Sure, I have some crazy family history, but who doesn't? I really appreciate the life I have been given, and I'm so glad that I can use it to tell people about my disorder. The one that has made me sad, mad, and depressed. The one that has made me stay up countless nights. The one that has gotten me made fun of. The one that has made me so uncomfortable in my own body. But most importantly, the one that has made me a fighter.
On the first day of camp, we were given a small notebook with group devotions and places for notes on them (It was a church camp). Everyday, I wrote a small topic to blog about on the back of one of the pages. Monday's topic was my back tic. I have to make it into an arch by bending it back, and after a while, it really hurts. Speaking of pain, today on the bus ride home, one of my fingers sent a shooting pain up and down it. I think this is because of my knuckle cracking and middle finger bending tics. I'm a bit scared I may get Arthritis one day. There is a high chance. Because of my tics, my knuckles are a bit bigger than most people's knuckles. My husband is going to have a hard time finding me a ring. Anyway, back to my back tic. Oh man, I just made a funny. BACK to my BACK tic? Oh, I'm hilarious.
When I arrived at Caswell, I was getting my bunk ready when I realized I had only brought sheets and my pillow pet. I had forgotten a blanket. My friend came over to me in distress when she realized she had forgotten her pillow. We problem solved, and ended up sleeping on the same bunk with my pillow and her blanket. I was glad we did that, since the next morning, all the people sleeping alone were discussing how they were woken up because of the cold air conditioner. I, on the other hand, was sweating I was so warm. It was a close fit on the bed, but it also provided me someone else's body heat. With this said, my back tic was also throwing a fit. I had to bend my back so many times Monday night, and it really hurt. Thankfully, my bunkmate knew about my Tourettes, so she didn't say anything. My back tic stopped overreacting after Tuesday night, since I became extremely deprived of sleep. I had been so tired, that when I hit the bed, I practically fell asleep right then and there. My youth pastor had kept us in church group devotions a bit too late each night, and we would get to our cabins past lights out time. This is the reason I just took a five hour nap upon arriving home.
On Tuesday, I decided to go to the beach with my friends. Caswell is located on the coast of North Carolina, so we could easily take a ten minute walk to the beach. This was not extremely peaceful in the sweltering heat, but the cool water was worth it. I made my way into the ocean, and that is when the strong compulsion waved across me. I couldn't help it. I needed to open my eyes under the water. It stung my eyes like bees. It took me a while to wipe my eyes and blink out the salt. I think this was a result of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I'm not exactly sure. I used to have life-threatening compulsions. As I have said before, I think my disorders hate me! Anyway, I used to have to lick knives and try to breathe underwater. This made dinner and a trip to the pool a lot harder than usual. My psychiatrist told my parents to lock up the sharp objects somewhere, so I wouldn't see them and feel the need to lick them. So, at every dinner for a long time, I did not get my own knife. I felt like my little brother. I loved going to the pool, so I do not remember how I made it through that really hard compulsion. The opening my eyes underwater one has also always been around. I used to not be able to take baths because I would have to open my eyes under the steaming hot water. Thankfully, this compulsion eased up on me and I can take countless bubble baths now whenever I want. Even so, my disorders hate me and want me to feel pain, so in the ocean, the compulsion was unbearable and I had to open my eyes under the water at least once each day I went to the beach.
On Wednesday, my friend and I had a long conversation with one of the chaperones, who was one of the kid's mothers that came on the trip. At the end of the conversation, she decided to pray for us, and that is when it happened. The shoulder touching. Being in Apex High School chorus, I have learned how to suppress my shrugging tic, since every Thursday we give each other massages to release tension in our muscles. I talked about the therapy that has never worked for me before in another post; where you do the opposite of your tic in order to make it go away. I did this during chorus, and also tried hard to do it during the prayer, but as I have said before, it does not work well for me, and the shrugging tic never has gone away. The movement opposite of it where I move my shoulders down has also become a tic too. It's really annoying, but it's not anything I cannot deal with.
I did not write anything down for Thursday and Friday, since my tics decided to give me a nice couple of days, and settled down a bit. I'm really glad I went to Caswell, and I highly recommend that camp. You can always come with Salem Baptist Church. It was a fun and inspiring camp, and I also learned so much about my friends. I loved it, and I can't wait for next year!
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it!
Emma<3
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
You have TOURETTE'S!?
Hey guys and gals!
Been a while, huh? Well, thankfully, school is over so that should either have a positive or negative effect on how much I write!
Today I wanted to talk about the reactions people have to Tourette's. If people have given you any strange, mean, or even funny responses when you told them that you have Tourette's, just comment on this blog post what they were! I will include them in a YouTube video about reactions to Tourette's.
My most annoying response that I always get would probably be the one that goes like, "Oh my gosh! That's so cool! I would definitely use that to my advantage and cuss in class a bunch!"
Now, you can't tell me that wouldn't annoy you too. Recently, I was telling someone who also had Tourette's about a few things going on with my TS, and they kept saying "That's weird." Really? That's weird? You have complex tics too! I don't understand how someone else who has the same condition as me would think what I was doing was... Weird! If I'm weird, you're weird too!
Sometimes, I try to look at myself from someone else's point of view. Honestly, if I knew nothing about Tourette's, and had just met myself, I would think I was extremely weird. But when someone else who has TS says what you do is weird, that's just kind of peculiar.
If you don't have Tourette's, your first impression of me depends on the kind of day I'm having with my tics. If it's a bad day, then yes, I understand why you think I'm weird. If you see some girl puffing up her cheeks and making high-pitched squeaking noises at you, you'd think she was weird too, unless you knew about Tourette's. That's one of the reasons I have this blog; to raise awareness so that people know about that girl who puffs up her cheeks and squeaks. So they know why she's doing it, what makes her do it, why she can't stop. I know just what it is like to be her, and trust me, it's not always fun.
On a happier note, HAPPY SUMMER! Everyone have a great one!(:
Thanks for reading.
Emma<3
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Definition of Normal
Hey Guys!
I was just wondering what everyone's definition of "normal" is. I personally think there is no such thing... I mean, you can say I'm not normal because I have Tourettes, but I could say you're not normal because you have brown eyes, and I have blue ones. No one is normal... Or maybe everyone is their own type of normal.
Dictionary.com describes normal as: conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; notabnormal; regular; natural.
It says "regular" and "natural", and conforming to the "standard or the common type", and "usual". But what is usual? It's just a synonym. And what is standard, or common? Who gets to say what is normal? Maybe different things are normal in different environments, like what is normal in a specific clique at school, or a culture... But, what is normal overall? What is normal for ALL of the cliques and EVERY single culture? Apparently I'm not normal, because I have Tourettes, but doesn't everyone have a little something? Maybe I'm normal and you're not. Normal may speak as what the majority of the population does or thinks, but wouldn't that just be popular?
One of my former classmates asked me this. She must have thought my videos and blog were a joke or something. She says that she knows I'm not normal, but who is she to judge if I am normal or not? Who is she to say that I'm the weird one out? I do have Tourettes, and I'm not one of those cruel people who joke about disorders. She wasn't joking about my disorder, but the way that she said she knew I wasn't normal was a bit rude.
Also, I saw this in a book I was reading. People with Tourettes are not morons, and no one has the right to call someone a moron. I know everyone was taught not to in preschool, so why do people keep making fun of others? I'm not saying I'm perfect, and that I've never made a snide remark, but that barely ever happens, and if I'm calling you a bitch, then you really are a bitch. I just wonder if this author, Sara Shepard, ever stopped to think, "What if some of my readers had Tourettes? How would they react? Would they stop reading my books?" I didn't stop reading the book, because it was just too good to stop reading. All you have to do is brush off someone's comment, because if they are saying something to pull you down, that means they are already lower than you. That mean girl at school that is always bothering you? She's not as good as you if she has to pick on you to feel good about herself. Always keep that in mind, and the next time she says something mean, just be nice back to her. Kill em' with kindness! And always be kind to everyone, for all people are going through their own struggles. No one is to judge whose struggles are worse, and whose are easier. No one is to say who is normal, and who is not normal. No one can bring you down, unless you let them.
Seriously, treat others the way you want to be treated. You never know what they could be going through. If you're having a hard time with bullies or people who are "normal" and classify you as "not normal", always remember, they could end up working at a Taco Bell one day because they are too rude to work high up in a business branch. This is a total exaggeration, but seriously think about it. That stereotypical popular dumb jock who pushes you around is probably going to have the same job he has now in high school until retirement. Guys like those live in the good times and never grow up. Gosh, haven't you seen the movies?(;
And if I EVER see that someone has told another person to kill themselves, I will be furious. You never know how that person actually feels about themselves. I remember I went through a really rough time in the seventh grade where I was extremely depressed. I'm really glad no one told me to go kill myself, because when people tell others that, the reaction is usually not very positive. I mean, there was once when my friend's ex-boyfriend told me, "Go home and just kill yourself. Nobody loves you. Just kill yourself." And those words have always stuck in my mind. What I just wrote is an exact quote. He was joking, but I was going through a very rough time when he told me that. Of course, I didn't kill myself, since I'm obviously writing this. There's always at least one thing in someone's life that they have to live for. If you ever feel depressed, I'd be happy to lift you up. You can just email me at lifesatwitch.emma@gmail.com. I'm there for everyone and anyone.
Anyway, please take my words into consideration, and as always, thank you for reading.(:
Emma<3
I was just wondering what everyone's definition of "normal" is. I personally think there is no such thing... I mean, you can say I'm not normal because I have Tourettes, but I could say you're not normal because you have brown eyes, and I have blue ones. No one is normal... Or maybe everyone is their own type of normal.
Dictionary.com describes normal as: conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; notabnormal; regular; natural.
It says "regular" and "natural", and conforming to the "standard or the common type", and "usual". But what is usual? It's just a synonym. And what is standard, or common? Who gets to say what is normal? Maybe different things are normal in different environments, like what is normal in a specific clique at school, or a culture... But, what is normal overall? What is normal for ALL of the cliques and EVERY single culture? Apparently I'm not normal, because I have Tourettes, but doesn't everyone have a little something? Maybe I'm normal and you're not. Normal may speak as what the majority of the population does or thinks, but wouldn't that just be popular?
One of my former classmates asked me this. She must have thought my videos and blog were a joke or something. She says that she knows I'm not normal, but who is she to judge if I am normal or not? Who is she to say that I'm the weird one out? I do have Tourettes, and I'm not one of those cruel people who joke about disorders. She wasn't joking about my disorder, but the way that she said she knew I wasn't normal was a bit rude.
Also, I saw this in a book I was reading. People with Tourettes are not morons, and no one has the right to call someone a moron. I know everyone was taught not to in preschool, so why do people keep making fun of others? I'm not saying I'm perfect, and that I've never made a snide remark, but that barely ever happens, and if I'm calling you a bitch, then you really are a bitch. I just wonder if this author, Sara Shepard, ever stopped to think, "What if some of my readers had Tourettes? How would they react? Would they stop reading my books?" I didn't stop reading the book, because it was just too good to stop reading. All you have to do is brush off someone's comment, because if they are saying something to pull you down, that means they are already lower than you. That mean girl at school that is always bothering you? She's not as good as you if she has to pick on you to feel good about herself. Always keep that in mind, and the next time she says something mean, just be nice back to her. Kill em' with kindness! And always be kind to everyone, for all people are going through their own struggles. No one is to judge whose struggles are worse, and whose are easier. No one is to say who is normal, and who is not normal. No one can bring you down, unless you let them.
Seriously, treat others the way you want to be treated. You never know what they could be going through. If you're having a hard time with bullies or people who are "normal" and classify you as "not normal", always remember, they could end up working at a Taco Bell one day because they are too rude to work high up in a business branch. This is a total exaggeration, but seriously think about it. That stereotypical popular dumb jock who pushes you around is probably going to have the same job he has now in high school until retirement. Guys like those live in the good times and never grow up. Gosh, haven't you seen the movies?(;
And if I EVER see that someone has told another person to kill themselves, I will be furious. You never know how that person actually feels about themselves. I remember I went through a really rough time in the seventh grade where I was extremely depressed. I'm really glad no one told me to go kill myself, because when people tell others that, the reaction is usually not very positive. I mean, there was once when my friend's ex-boyfriend told me, "Go home and just kill yourself. Nobody loves you. Just kill yourself." And those words have always stuck in my mind. What I just wrote is an exact quote. He was joking, but I was going through a very rough time when he told me that. Of course, I didn't kill myself, since I'm obviously writing this. There's always at least one thing in someone's life that they have to live for. If you ever feel depressed, I'd be happy to lift you up. You can just email me at lifesatwitch.emma@gmail.com. I'm there for everyone and anyone.
Anyway, please take my words into consideration, and as always, thank you for reading.(:
Emma<3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
It's A Hard Tic Time
Hey Everyone!
So, I'm really stressed right now because I have two big tests tomorrow. This stress results in ticcing. I can barely focus on this blog post. My anxiety is practically taking over my body. I was just trying to exercise, but I can't because I'm ticcing too much. I know some people with Tourettes say exercise helps them cope with tics, but I can't exercise at all while ticcing. It's not a distraction for me; it's an obstacle.
School has kept me really busy, and I have been stressing a little more than usual. I started up on a slightly new medicine a month or two ago called Abilify. It had helped me in the past, and thank God, it is helping me again! I used to take it, but then my dad got another job and the new insurance wouldn't cover it, so it was around $800 for about a two-month supply. I had to switch medicines, since my family could not afford this. Thankfully, my dad works at SAS now, which covers the cost of Abilify so that it isn't completely ridiculous.
It's getting kind of hard to type, so I think I am going to go make a video about how my tics are in a rough time.
Thanks for reading!
Emma<3
So, I'm really stressed right now because I have two big tests tomorrow. This stress results in ticcing. I can barely focus on this blog post. My anxiety is practically taking over my body. I was just trying to exercise, but I can't because I'm ticcing too much. I know some people with Tourettes say exercise helps them cope with tics, but I can't exercise at all while ticcing. It's not a distraction for me; it's an obstacle.
School has kept me really busy, and I have been stressing a little more than usual. I started up on a slightly new medicine a month or two ago called Abilify. It had helped me in the past, and thank God, it is helping me again! I used to take it, but then my dad got another job and the new insurance wouldn't cover it, so it was around $800 for about a two-month supply. I had to switch medicines, since my family could not afford this. Thankfully, my dad works at SAS now, which covers the cost of Abilify so that it isn't completely ridiculous.
It's getting kind of hard to type, so I think I am going to go make a video about how my tics are in a rough time.
Thanks for reading!
Emma<3
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
YouTube Videos!
Hey guys,
It's really important to me that you guys check these videos out. I would love to be requested for a partnership on YouTube, and I need a TON of views for that! So please tell your friends, and share this link!!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/lifesatwitchemma?feature=mhee
THANK YOU
Emma<3
It's really important to me that you guys check these videos out. I would love to be requested for a partnership on YouTube, and I need a TON of views for that! So please tell your friends, and share this link!!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/lifesatwitchemma?feature=mhee
THANK YOU
Emma<3
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