Wow. I suck.
I think I'm going to attempt to write more in this blog again.
I have been really bad at keeping up with this.
That being said, I have been doing a phenomenal job lately with posting YouTube videos. *pats own back*
Also, I have a website now! Whaaat?
Yeah.
It's www.lifesatwitchemma.com
Aaaand, my YouTube is www.youtube.com/lifesatwitchemma
I'm going to try to post more soon.
THANKS!
Emma <3
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Friday, June 26, 2015
"Broken"
Hi everyone.
I was going to write a post about how I was "broken". I was going to write about how I was born "broken".
No.
No...
I am not "broken". I'm not broken.
I am me. I am myself. I am I.
I kept contemplating how "broken" I am and how I will probably never be able to sustain a marriage and have kids and a life. I was throwing myself a type of pity party, I think. I felt no pity for myself in this pity party, or so I thought. I believed that I was just realizing true facts that were inevitable. I thought that thinking "Hey, I am broken and I can't do anything about it because that's me and I'm the definition of broken" would put a part of me to peace and help me fully realize the truths in life.
What a pity.
It doesn't make sense for me to believe that I am "broken" in any way. If I have had multiple mental disorders since birth, and I believe that those are what have broken me, then I have been broken since birth. How can I decide that I am broken if I have been this way my whole life? No one can be born broken. A new life does not come into this world broken. That is impossible. A new life comes into this world fully mended. A new life has just been constructed. Something that has just finished being constructed cannot be broken. It is brand new and just the way it is. Therefore, since I have contained these mental disorders and all of the aspects that come with them since my birth, there is no way that they could be the reason for my "brokenness". Even though each aspect of each mental disorder will fluctuate in severity, the aspects are still the same aspects as before. Sure, some of these aspects will add on new parts to themselves, but how does adding something onto another thing break that thing? I am probably not making much sense, so let me give you an example.
Tourette Syndrome.
Aspect: Tics
Part: Types of tics
I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of five, but this does not mean that I did not have it many years before that. Every person who has been diagnosed with a mental disorder was born with that mental disorder. The mental disorder may have been dormant for a certain amount of time before diagnosis, but that does not change the fact that the person was born with it.
One large aspect of Tourette's is the tics. Yes, the severity of each tic may fluctuate, but it is still a tic isn't it? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Of course it is.
People who have Tourette's have multiple types of tics. There are so many types of tics, but these types all have something in common: they are all tics. New types of tics will most likely start occurring and many types of tics will also come to a halt at different points in each person's life. Even though these tics that show up are new, they still apply to the last argument of logic. They are tics. They are all tics. All types of tics are just that. Tics.
You may wonder why I am rambling on and on about this. I am just further proving my argument.
My mental disorders have not broken me, because they have been the same throughout my entire life in a way. They have been mental disorders. They have no real power to break me because they are a part of me.
Do you know how people say "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger"?
And some people retort "What didn't kill me never made me stronger at all".
My mental disorders have not killed me. Have they made me stronger? Well, yes. I think that you can turn anything negative that you have been given into something that is not exactly positive, but has a positive effect on certain parts of you. Throughout my life, Tourette's has never been the cause of any near-death experience. It has been the catalyst of many other negative situations, though. It has provoked bullying, pushed people away from me, and even put me in the hospital (in a nowhere near fatal state, mind you). See, I had a choice in how I would handle each of these situations. I could just let each situation bring me down more and more until I became miserable and weak... or, I could use them to my advantage. I could take each negative situation and use them to make myself stronger. I could let them feed my drive to excel, push me to success, and soften the blow on future negative situations, since I had already experienced each one to a degree. I decided upon the latter. My years of living have been few in quantity, but extremely plentiful in quality. I have used each one of my negative situations to strengthen myself. I can say that I am strong, and not only fully believe it, but fully know it.
So, no. I am not "broken". I am not broken at all. If anything, I am unbroken.
I am continuous.
I am in above average standing.
I am whole.
I am remastered.
I am complete.
I am strong.
Thank you for reading,
Emma.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Some Not So Happy Things
Hey Everyone!
Wow, I haven't posted in forever!
I have been accepted into Appalachian State University, and I am going there this coming school year.
I have had quite a bit of stress taking over my body the last month or so about many things, including college. I worry about what it will be like, how my classes will be, and so on. Even so, I am very excited to join the Mountaineers this fall.
I spoke of a boyfriend in my last post and said how I loved him. Well, he's gone now. HA.
After over a year of a beautiful relationship filled with laughter and joy, he told me he lied to me when he said he loved me. He told me he had never loved me. Of course, I was crushed. I broke up with him. I basically spent four days crying and attempting to surround myself with distractions. After those four days, he told me he wanted me back. I, being the stupid romantic girl I am, agreed to dating him again. After a few weeks he broke up with me. He was very greedy and felt he needed to use me for just a few more weeks. To be honest, our relationship was great while it lasted. It was the best I've ever had, but him... Well, he's just a bit of a scumbag. Okay, not just a bit. A lot. He told me he wanted me back and used me just for a little while in order to make sure his feelings for me were fully gone. Even though he had feelings for me, he never loved me. I loved him with my whole heart. I was IN love with him. I believed there was a chance we would get married, since we talked about it sometimes, but this loser told me he was in love with me, and then took it back! Even worse, he was the first one to say it! I was heartbroken, and now I'm just infuriated. He ignores me now, and I have attempted to contact him a couple of times, and each time he seems very bitter towards me. What did I do? Oh, right. NOTHING. All I did was show him a copious amount of love and let him into my life. What did he do? Lie.
One time when I contacted this boy, I was very depressed and it was a few months after our break up. I knew he had told me he would always be there for me (again, total lie!), so I told him I did not know who to turn to, since I really didn't at the time. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him about how I had been really depressed and sometimes suicidal that month. I told him how I felt like no one cared about me and I was useless. I even told him that me contacting him was a cry for help.
He told me that I blame everyone else and don't fix things about myself for myself. He said that I didn't have caring friends because it was my fault and I needed to find a new group. He told me, and this is an exact quote, "You are always feeling shitty because you sit and pout in self dread instead of taking the initiative to make yourself better." At the time, I told him that this was great advice and thanked him, because I wasn't functioning correctly. That was the last time I spoke to that boy. I try really hard not to hate him for how sour he has been towards me. What have I done to him? I have done nothing! I don't understand why people in this world are so cruel for no reason. They lie about loving you for eight months, and then act like you are the bad guy for the rest of their high school career. I mean, what is up with that?
I really don't know why the world is full of people who try to make others miserable just for their own pleasure. It's not fun making someone feel bad! If you like making other people feel bad about themselves or just bad in general, you are a really bad person. I'm not going to lie about this. You. Are. Terrible.
Even so, there are really beautiful things in the world, and a lot of times I fail to see them.
Do you ever just feel like there is nothing left to life for you, and that you should die? Do you ever feel like you'd rather nothing than all of the pain you feel? Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're not good enough to complete it? I sure do. Sometimes, I just want to die. I haven't felt this way in a little while, but I still know the feeling.
I hate feeling depressed. It's so dumb. Yeah, great word choice, huh, Emma? Dumb. Well, that's what it is! It's just dumb. I hate feeling like I do not want to be on this earth anymore. I hate feeling like I'm useless and not good enough for anyone. I hate feeling like no one cares about me. Maybe I depend on others for happiness too much, but most of the time I'm just not satisfied with myself.
Sometimes I pretend to be slightly arrogant to be funny, and people always say, "Wow, I don't have to worry about YOUR self esteem! HA!" The truth is, I have very low self esteem and barely anyone knows it.
I hate hating myself.
I don't want this to happen to me.
I want myself to be so many more things than I am. I am not good enough, and that is how I feel.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be smart.
I want to be fun.
I want to be optimistic.
I want to be hilarious.
I want to be loved.
I don't believe that I am any of these things. It's hard, and I don't want to feel this way. Sometimes I do feel beautiful and smart, but overall, I have this intense feeling that I am nothing good.
I want to learn to love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.
Wow, this was not a happy post. I am sorry if this bummed you out a bit.
Thanks for reading!
Emma<3
Wow, I haven't posted in forever!
I have been accepted into Appalachian State University, and I am going there this coming school year.
I have had quite a bit of stress taking over my body the last month or so about many things, including college. I worry about what it will be like, how my classes will be, and so on. Even so, I am very excited to join the Mountaineers this fall.
I spoke of a boyfriend in my last post and said how I loved him. Well, he's gone now. HA.
After over a year of a beautiful relationship filled with laughter and joy, he told me he lied to me when he said he loved me. He told me he had never loved me. Of course, I was crushed. I broke up with him. I basically spent four days crying and attempting to surround myself with distractions. After those four days, he told me he wanted me back. I, being the stupid romantic girl I am, agreed to dating him again. After a few weeks he broke up with me. He was very greedy and felt he needed to use me for just a few more weeks. To be honest, our relationship was great while it lasted. It was the best I've ever had, but him... Well, he's just a bit of a scumbag. Okay, not just a bit. A lot. He told me he wanted me back and used me just for a little while in order to make sure his feelings for me were fully gone. Even though he had feelings for me, he never loved me. I loved him with my whole heart. I was IN love with him. I believed there was a chance we would get married, since we talked about it sometimes, but this loser told me he was in love with me, and then took it back! Even worse, he was the first one to say it! I was heartbroken, and now I'm just infuriated. He ignores me now, and I have attempted to contact him a couple of times, and each time he seems very bitter towards me. What did I do? Oh, right. NOTHING. All I did was show him a copious amount of love and let him into my life. What did he do? Lie.
One time when I contacted this boy, I was very depressed and it was a few months after our break up. I knew he had told me he would always be there for me (again, total lie!), so I told him I did not know who to turn to, since I really didn't at the time. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him about how I had been really depressed and sometimes suicidal that month. I told him how I felt like no one cared about me and I was useless. I even told him that me contacting him was a cry for help.
He told me that I blame everyone else and don't fix things about myself for myself. He said that I didn't have caring friends because it was my fault and I needed to find a new group. He told me, and this is an exact quote, "You are always feeling shitty because you sit and pout in self dread instead of taking the initiative to make yourself better." At the time, I told him that this was great advice and thanked him, because I wasn't functioning correctly. That was the last time I spoke to that boy. I try really hard not to hate him for how sour he has been towards me. What have I done to him? I have done nothing! I don't understand why people in this world are so cruel for no reason. They lie about loving you for eight months, and then act like you are the bad guy for the rest of their high school career. I mean, what is up with that?
I really don't know why the world is full of people who try to make others miserable just for their own pleasure. It's not fun making someone feel bad! If you like making other people feel bad about themselves or just bad in general, you are a really bad person. I'm not going to lie about this. You. Are. Terrible.
Even so, there are really beautiful things in the world, and a lot of times I fail to see them.
Do you ever just feel like there is nothing left to life for you, and that you should die? Do you ever feel like you'd rather nothing than all of the pain you feel? Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life and feel like you're not good enough to complete it? I sure do. Sometimes, I just want to die. I haven't felt this way in a little while, but I still know the feeling.
I hate feeling depressed. It's so dumb. Yeah, great word choice, huh, Emma? Dumb. Well, that's what it is! It's just dumb. I hate feeling like I do not want to be on this earth anymore. I hate feeling like I'm useless and not good enough for anyone. I hate feeling like no one cares about me. Maybe I depend on others for happiness too much, but most of the time I'm just not satisfied with myself.
Sometimes I pretend to be slightly arrogant to be funny, and people always say, "Wow, I don't have to worry about YOUR self esteem! HA!" The truth is, I have very low self esteem and barely anyone knows it.
I hate hating myself.
I don't want this to happen to me.
I want myself to be so many more things than I am. I am not good enough, and that is how I feel.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be smart.
I want to be fun.
I want to be optimistic.
I want to be hilarious.
I want to be loved.
I don't believe that I am any of these things. It's hard, and I don't want to feel this way. Sometimes I do feel beautiful and smart, but overall, I have this intense feeling that I am nothing good.
I want to learn to love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.
Wow, this was not a happy post. I am sorry if this bummed you out a bit.
Thanks for reading!
Emma<3
Monday, July 14, 2014
Leave of Absence is Over
Hey everyone!
I know I've not written on here in a while. I have had a lot going on. It has almost been an entire year since I've blogged!
I am very sorry for my "leave of absence", but there has been a mixture of laziness and being totally busy in my life that led up to me not writing.
I also did not have much to write about at all. My tics had been totally fine, I had not been depressed in ages, and I was only stressed out a bit.
Some of this remains true.
I have not felt suicidal or depressed in any way in a while. It has been really great and I've been able to be really happy. Even so, my stress levels have sky rocketed the past few months. Sometimes I cannot even recall what it feels like to not be stressed. Anxiety disorder SUCKS.
I get really anxious about lots of things. Sometimes it is just everyday things such as stressing about whether or not I'll get my chores done or if my outfit is nice enough, but most of my stress has derived from school.
First of all, I am going to be a senior in a few months. For many that means AP classes out the wazoo. For me, it only means one AP class. AP English. Even so, with my anxiety disorder it feels like a billion AP classes at once, since I strive for great grades all the time. You may be thinking, "well it's summer, why is she still anxious?". AP summer reading would be the answer to your question. I have to read four very long books over this summer and also participate more than ten times in a discussion forum with highly intelligent remarks. Oh, and all of this is for a pretty big grade. I have read two of the books already, but I'm still super stressed about finishing the other ones. I chose an easy one for my free reading pick. "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green. Next, I had to pick from a few different books and I chose "Room" by Emma Donoghue. "Room" was actually a great book, but it took me more than a few days to read.
Next on the agenda is "Kite Runner" and "Catch-22". I am not excited at all. I love to read, but I have not heard good things about "Catch-22". I have been told it is basically a dark comedy from the late 60's. That does not really interest me... at all. "Kite Runner" is supposed to be a pretty good book, but I am not too interested in it. I guess we will just have to see.
Anyway, anxiety is a real pain in the buttocks. I absolutely hate it. In fact, I am anxious at this very moment. I'm super stressed about getting my reading done. Maybe I should be reading instead of typing away on my blog, but oh well.
Tics. Tics are the bane of my existence. About two nights ago, I had to take a Flexiril to go to sleep, because my tic where I tense my butt muscles was acting up a bunch. I have a new vocal tic where I make a little sound that comes from the bottom of my throat and sounds like I'm kind of swallowing something. It's hard to explain and also very strange. It sounds kind of gross, and I am not a fan of it.
Even though life has been a bit rough, I do have some good news. I do have a boyfriend as of almost eleven months ago. He's pretty cool, and I love him a lot.
Also. new video up! The link is here:
Thanks for reading!
Emma
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The Future
Hey everyone!
I'm kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I'm getting closer to college, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It's really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It's part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can't see anything in front of me. I'm going into junior year of high school and I feel like I'm starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don't see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can't live in the present. It's not how I work. I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be okay. I am going to be sixteen years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourettes. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics. As you already know, I don't live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can't drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right? All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourettes is in the way of everything. I know a lot of people with Tourettes say they can drive, but I can't. I've tried. If I can't drive, I can't conform to a normal life. Maybe I'm not meant to do things the normal way.
My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. I haven't been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person's mind though, doesn't it? What isn't so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn't want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do? I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to tic. I wouldn't get depressed from time to time. I wouldn't be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn't have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything. Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I'm sure my family would be devastated. I'm sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone. Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.
I still don't really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don't like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can't see into it. I don't have a definite future, and it's so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.
Thanks for reading,
Emma <3
I'm kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I'm getting closer to college, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. It's really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It's part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can't see anything in front of me. I'm going into junior year of high school and I feel like I'm starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don't see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can't live in the present. It's not how I work. I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be okay. I am going to be sixteen years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourettes. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics. As you already know, I don't live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can't drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right? All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourettes is in the way of everything. I know a lot of people with Tourettes say they can drive, but I can't. I've tried. If I can't drive, I can't conform to a normal life. Maybe I'm not meant to do things the normal way.
My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. I haven't been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person's mind though, doesn't it? What isn't so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn't want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do? I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn't have to tic. I wouldn't get depressed from time to time. I wouldn't be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn't have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything. Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I'm sure my family would be devastated. I'm sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone. Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.
I still don't really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don't like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can't see into it. I don't have a definite future, and it's so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.
Thanks for reading,
Emma <3
Friday, July 5, 2013
Tourettes Acting Up
Hey everyone!
My Tourettes is acting up a lot right now. It is actually a bit hard to type. I just made a video on it, though, if you want to check that out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-eSG-fVp4
Anyway, I am in Pennsylvania visiting family and the trip from North Carolina was about ten hours long. From the beginning of the trip to the very end I had a major tic attack. I fell asleep in the car for about one of the ten hours because my mom was rubbing my back. My psychiatrist recently taught me how to meditate. Meditating helps me, but not during full blown tic attacks, because I can't settle down enough to meditate at all. My psychiatrist had taught me to try and view myself from an outside vantage point, then to focus on certain sounds for a while and layer them. This technique helps when my tics are only acting up a little bit.
I am so worn out from tensing up my glutes so much. I have also been tensing my arms up so much that my shoulders crack really loudly. I tense the muscles in my thighs too. It is pretty painful, and not a fun experience at all. I am on a new medicine, though. It is called Flexarol. Flexarol really knocks me out, but it takes a while to kick in. I highly recommend it for my fellow Tourette sufferers.
All in all, it's been a pretty tough week that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Thanks for reading,
Emma<3
My Tourettes is acting up a lot right now. It is actually a bit hard to type. I just made a video on it, though, if you want to check that out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-eSG-fVp4
Anyway, I am in Pennsylvania visiting family and the trip from North Carolina was about ten hours long. From the beginning of the trip to the very end I had a major tic attack. I fell asleep in the car for about one of the ten hours because my mom was rubbing my back. My psychiatrist recently taught me how to meditate. Meditating helps me, but not during full blown tic attacks, because I can't settle down enough to meditate at all. My psychiatrist had taught me to try and view myself from an outside vantage point, then to focus on certain sounds for a while and layer them. This technique helps when my tics are only acting up a little bit.
I am so worn out from tensing up my glutes so much. I have also been tensing my arms up so much that my shoulders crack really loudly. I tense the muscles in my thighs too. It is pretty painful, and not a fun experience at all. I am on a new medicine, though. It is called Flexarol. Flexarol really knocks me out, but it takes a while to kick in. I highly recommend it for my fellow Tourette sufferers.
All in all, it's been a pretty tough week that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Thanks for reading,
Emma<3
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Tourette's
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you don't want.
It's there. But not just there. It's much more than just there. It's on your body. In your body. All over your body. What can you do? Nothing.
Tourette's. The last thing on this Earth that I could see myself being completely grateful for. Sure, it connects me to others who have TS as well, but what other good is it?
Tourette's. Worse than any of my depressive episodes. I can't sleep. I can't sit. I just move. I move, I move, I move.
Tourette's. Pop some pills and pray for the storm to calm down. Hope that you'll be better soon. Aspire to find a cure, but then never go to medical school.
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't want. It's the thing that's the most there. It consumes you. It takes you in. It holds you tight and whispers in your ears, "I'm never letting go".
Tourette's. It's a hell of a ride. Ups and downs, ups and downs. It takes you not only on a physical, but an emotional roller coaster ride. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Tourette's. You ask it to leave, then you plead. Leave, please. It won't. It's an unwelcome guest that stays in your mind and dictates your movements and sounds.
Tourette's. It's like that one person that you can't stand, but have to keep around because they are a family friend or something like that. Except Tourette's wouldn't e a family friend. It would be a nemesis of any family. Consuming sons and daughters and taking them on wild unsupervised trips.
Tourette's. It won't define you. You tic, you think. You do so many things. So much noise. So much movement. But, that's not you. You're not Tourette's. You're you. You're different and better than Tourette's.
Tourette's. A neurobiological disorder. A nuisance. It's there and it won't go away. It sits there at the controls of your brain and tugs. It tugs at the controls and bangs on the buttons that control your central nervous system.
Tourette's. 3 AM. You're not asleep. You took your medicine. Why are you still ticcing?
Tourette's. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Worse than your dog dying or losing your favorite teddy bear. Worse than even losing a loved one.
Tourette's. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Will it stop? Ask it. It won't answer. It just sits at the controls and bangs. Bang, bang, bang. It won't listen to you. It hates you. You hate it. You're your own enemy. Except you aren't Tourette's. It is not you. Remember that.
Tourette's. The distractions won't work. Why aren't the medicines kicking in? What's going on? Why is this rough patch lasting so long?
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you didn't want.
But it's there. It'll always be there.
It's there. But not just there. It's much more than just there. It's on your body. In your body. All over your body. What can you do? Nothing.
Tourette's. The last thing on this Earth that I could see myself being completely grateful for. Sure, it connects me to others who have TS as well, but what other good is it?
Tourette's. Worse than any of my depressive episodes. I can't sleep. I can't sit. I just move. I move, I move, I move.
Tourette's. Pop some pills and pray for the storm to calm down. Hope that you'll be better soon. Aspire to find a cure, but then never go to medical school.
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't want. It's the thing that's the most there. It consumes you. It takes you in. It holds you tight and whispers in your ears, "I'm never letting go".
Tourette's. It's a hell of a ride. Ups and downs, ups and downs. It takes you not only on a physical, but an emotional roller coaster ride. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Tourette's. You ask it to leave, then you plead. Leave, please. It won't. It's an unwelcome guest that stays in your mind and dictates your movements and sounds.
Tourette's. It's like that one person that you can't stand, but have to keep around because they are a family friend or something like that. Except Tourette's wouldn't e a family friend. It would be a nemesis of any family. Consuming sons and daughters and taking them on wild unsupervised trips.
Tourette's. It won't define you. You tic, you think. You do so many things. So much noise. So much movement. But, that's not you. You're not Tourette's. You're you. You're different and better than Tourette's.
Tourette's. A neurobiological disorder. A nuisance. It's there and it won't go away. It sits there at the controls of your brain and tugs. It tugs at the controls and bangs on the buttons that control your central nervous system.
Tourette's. 3 AM. You're not asleep. You took your medicine. Why are you still ticcing?
Tourette's. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Worse than your dog dying or losing your favorite teddy bear. Worse than even losing a loved one.
Tourette's. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic. Will it stop? Ask it. It won't answer. It just sits at the controls and bangs. Bang, bang, bang. It won't listen to you. It hates you. You hate it. You're your own enemy. Except you aren't Tourette's. It is not you. Remember that.
Tourette's. The distractions won't work. Why aren't the medicines kicking in? What's going on? Why is this rough patch lasting so long?
Tourette's. It's the thing you didn't ask for. The thing you didn't want.
But it's there. It'll always be there.
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